Kindness and Confidence

   Lately, I've been going through the day and hitting bumps in the road. I'm a very positive person, and I see the good in life. I find a reason to be happy, except discouragement has been creeping up on me. In the back of my head are these thoughts that I can't shake. 

   I have felt stuck. I haven't been writing, and I've been dreading going to work. I'm content with my life, yet I want something. I seem to be complaining throughout the day. I hate complaining (and how ironic because that is a complaint!). I am one of those people that feel like if you are gonna complain, do something about it.

   So I've decided to do just that. I'm gonna work on those things I've been complaining about. I'm going to become the best me that I can be. I'm gonna lose this extra baby weight and become a girl that has her life together. 

   My sister and I are starting this diet, except I hope it will become more than a diet. I am starting a lifestyle. I'm cutting out soda, sugar, carbs, and junk food. We are going to become healthy and fit. We are going to encourage each other and remind each other to love ourselves and our bodies. 

   I'm planning out my next year. I'm going to start keeping lists again, and crossing things off those lists. I'm going to make goals and fulfill those goals. 

   I'm realizing that I am strong. I'm going to remind myself that I am an amazing person that has done and will do amazing things. I will remind myself that my body has grown a child, has birthed a child, and is still sustaining my child. I've got to take care of my body and be confident. 

  I'm gonna remind myself that kindness is a big deal. It means so much to hear that I'm doing a good job. It means so much to hear a stranger tell me I look good for having a baby. I can't stop smiling when someone tells me I look good on a bad day. I remember those moments as the days go on and I talk about those strangers and am so thankful for their kind words.

   I want to keep that kindness moving forward. I want to compliment strangers and friends. I want to remind my family I love them. I'm going to try to be kind to myself as well. Kindness is key, and my short term goal for right now is kindness and confidence. 

   xx

Here We Are Now

   You were restless last night my little one. I'm not quite sure why, but i do know neither of us got much sleep. After the sun came up, I was hoping we could sleep in after such a restless night, but then I heard you coo. You've started making noise and "talking." I thought maybe you were dreaming, but then you gently coo some more. I turn over to look at you and the biggest smile appears.

   I didn't think you'd be such a happy baby after a sleepless night, but you never cease to surprise me. I lay next to you and watch you smile at me as if to say good morning. I have never been a morning person, but I don't find it hard to get up as much anymore. You've given my life meaning. You've given me a reason to wake up in the morning. 

   These first few months have been a learning experience. You are my first child, and you teach me something new every day. It is amazing how much you have changed me. You've taught me to be patient, kind, and tough.

   I've never been an unbearable impatient person, but I've had my moments. You've taught me that things will happen when they happen. I can't just get up and go anywhere anymore. It is a process. I usually make sure you are ready first, and then I start getting ready. I usually have to feed you once while I'm getting ready. I have to make sure the diaper bag is ready to go, and hopefully you haven't spit up or pooped out during this time. 

   I am more patient with time as well. I love the now. I cherish the time I have with you while you are four months old. I miss the newborn days, but I'm not gonna spend my time wishing for those days back (hopefully you'll have brothers and sisters and I'll experience those days again.) I'm also so excited for you to start laughing, and I am excited to watch you grow. I don't want to rush things though. Now you are four months old. Now you are smiling, and sleeping, and wanting me to hold you close. I am content with the now.

   Kindness makes such a difference. I try to be kind to everyone I meet now. I've had difficult days, but I remember that fellow mom that gave me that encouraging smile. Those people who told me I was doing a great job right when I needed to hear it. We all have our hard days. That little bit of kindness could give someone the strength to keep going. 

   I've been so blessed by the kindness of others. I don't think I realized how kind people could be until you were born. Having you on my own was not an easy nor ideal task, but I'm not really alone. I have an amazing family who have changed their lives to help you and me. I have friends who love you as well. I want to pass that kindness on. People have been so kind to us, how could I not pass it on.

   I would never have considered myself tough, until you came along. Having a little, innocent baby has made me a momma bear, and no one messes with my baby. I've learned to say, "no." I have realized I can't please everyone, and I don't try to anymore. Ryder, you are my top priority now. I have to take care of you, and make sure you are happy. I'm thankful you have taught me to stand up for you and for myself.

  I hope I can teach you these attributes as you grow. Every day is a new day for us. Our days now consist of holding you close, breastfeeding, smiling, changing diapers, and wearing you. I love our days now. 

   Little baby of mine, as you drift to sleep in my arms, I go through the days. I'm ready to go to bed, but when I go to lay you down, you start suckling again. I don't mind though. I love holding you close to me more than anything. I know you won't always fall asleep while I hold you. 

This is my life now.

This is motherhood.

This is all I've ever wanted.

xx