Shake It Off

   You ever have that feeling of dread you just can't shake? 

   Today I just have a cloud of dread following me around. I'm not sad or in a bad mood or anything, but I can't shake the dread I feel right now. I am off today, so I don't have to go to work today. I still keep checking the time to see if I need to get ready for work though. I keep having to remind myself I am off today.

   I've written about having to work before, and I will probably talk about it again in the future as well. I don't want to be a working mom, but sometimes you have to do what is best for you and your child. What is best for my child right now is working.

   Since I've gone back to work, I've realized a few things. I'm going to have to really go back to work. I've been working shorter hours, which isn't gonna fly if I want to be a responsible adult. I'm going to have to start working more, which is so ominous in my life right now. The few short hours I work is already hard enough. 

   I've also realized that being a single mother is hard. It is going to be hard. I will always have this pull. The want to provide for my child and the want to spend time with my child. This is only going to become harder for me the older he gets.

   My one wish is to be a stay at home momma. The one thing I've ever really been so sure about is that fact. The fact that I want to be a stay at home mother. It is really hard that the one thing I want more than anything is the one thing that I really can't do right now. 

  Every day I think about when I need to work next. Even on my days off, I think about when I am going to have to work again. I struggle to put my baby down, because I'm gonna have to go to work and leave him for a few hours. I know that, honestly, I'm not missing too much, especially not now. I know that it isn't a big deal, but it is to me.

   I hope that one day I will get my wish. I pray that circumstances will play out so that I will have the opportunity to one day be a stay at home mom and take care of Ryder, and maybe even some more kids. Right now I will hold my child close to me, and try to fight this dread away. Today is my day off and that is all that matters right now. I get to be with my baby all day today. 

   I want to end this by saying that I have so much respect for single mothers. In my mind I don't consider myself a single mother. I just don't like those words together. They don't belong together. I guess I'm in a sort of denial, but I am a single mother. I understand how hard it is to be a single mother. It makes me sad that there are other single mothers out there, but I hope that we can lift each other up and encourage one another. 

   If you know a single mother, tell them they are doing a good job. It is amazing to hear those words from someone, whether a friend or acquaintance. 

   It is our job, my job, to be an encouragement to one another. Oh, and that dread, shake it off. 

xx

Life with a Three Month Old

   Let me just say, I love my baby more and more as time goes by. I don't know how my love grows for him, because I love him with everything already. It truly is amazing. Ryder had his two month checkup (even though he is already three months, I know, I'm an awful mother) and he got his two month shots.

   He did so well. He did not cry a lot, only when they stuck him. Poor baby, he was given a little bit of baby Tylenol, and between the Tylenol and the shots, Ryder slept more than usual. When he woke up and became fussy because the Tylenol had wore off, I gave him a bit more. Let me tell you, I've never seen such a look of betrayal on my son's face. He did not like being given Tylenol at all. 

   He is growing up so well. He is 24.5 inches long, and he weighs 13 pounds and 14 ounces. He is roughly in the 50th percentile. I can tell he is starting to get chunky. He is still exclusively breastfeeding, and it is so encouraging to know that he is right on track with his weight and height. 

   Ryder loves sleeping, especially on his stomach. I'm a stomach sleeper, so I can't blame him, but I can't sleep when he is on his tummy because it scares me. Babies aren't supposed to really sleep on their stomach. I can't wait till he is rolling on his own and rolls onto his stomach, then it won't worry me as much.

   It is so cool seeing my baby grow. He is literally growing before my very eyes. He has started looking at things and studying them. He is noticing his toys and his hands. It is so awesome seeing him realize that his toy is there. He loves his hands in his mouth, and he gets better at getting them there every day.

   He is fitting into 3-6 month clothing the best, although he can wear 3 month still, and 6 month too. It is so hard to think that this little baby of mine used to fit inside me. I carried this child in my stomach for nine months, and now here he is. It is insane to look at him and know that I created him. I've said things like that before, and I'm sure that as he gets older, it will get harder and harder to believe. 

   I love having a 3 month old, even though I miss my small, precious newborn. I'm excited for what is to come, I know it is going to be a whirlwind from now on. I can definitely wait for him to grow up, because I love the now. I'm gonna miss him being so little, but I am so excited. 

xx