No Place I'd Rather Be

   My last few posts have not been very happy posts, so I think it is time for a good post. I've cut out coffee, well caffeine. I've been drinking fully decaf coffees and a little bit of sweet tea. I've been trying to drink more water. I started out the year really well, I was drinking almost a gallon a day. That was one of my resolutions, so I am making that resolution again. 

   The cool thing about resolutions is that you can start one at anytime. I am drinking more water again, and I feel immensely better. You can blame it on positive thinking if you'd like, but since I decided to give up caffeine and drink more water a few days ago, I've been happier. The weather is still cool and dreary, but my mood is not. 

   If you have any resolutions that you've drifted away from, maybe now is the time to make them again. Maybe it is time to change your resolutions or make new ones. 

   Another resolution I'm adding is that I've decided to put my phone down when my baby needs me. I've decided to hold and cherish my baby because he is the best thing to ever happen to me. There are babies out there who don't get loved on, and I don't want Ryder to ever feel like that.

   I am his mother. If Ryder needs me, I will be there. I will not let my baby cry, not because I'm spoiling him, but because he is a baby who needs his mother. When babies cry, something is wrong. That is how they communicate. When my baby needs his mother, he will have her because I know that is what is best for my child.

   I shower my baby in love, because how can I not? When I see this baby of mine smiling, it makes me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. When I see my baby sleeping, that peaceful look just melts me. I will do anything to keep my baby safe. I am his protector. I want him to never be fearful of going to sleep. 

   I'll be cleaning or doing something, and I'll look over at Ryder and he will be watching me. He just watches me, and as a four month old, I know he already admires me and looks up to me. I am responsible for this beautiful, sweet child. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be the best mother I can be. 

   So my resolutions are to drink more water, and love my baby more. A little less than what I started the year with, but two things I can put all my energy into. They shouldn't be too hard, especially the second one since my heart literally overflows with love for my son.

There's no place I'd rather be.

xx

Want.

It makes me angry. 

   I don't get angry, I am a very happy person. I am one of those people who can count on one hand the number of times that I've truly been angry. I look at the positive things in life. I am definitely a glass half full kind of person, and I love that I am. I love that I posses this character trait. I hope that Ryder, and any future children, will inherit my positive outlook on life.

   But I find myself get angry, and sad, and hurt when I think about Ryder's father. Not necessarily for myself, but for my baby.

   I just don't understand, and I don't think it is fair. I wonder why he hasn't asked about him. I wonder if he even knows his name. I wonder if he has been curious and looked at my Instagram or Facebook to see what his son looks like. Why do other people have things working out for them. I know people who would do anything for a baby, and he doesn't even care. 

   I look at my beautiful, perfect son, and I ache that he doesn't have a dad. I will sometimes start to cry because my sweet baby doesn't have a daddy. My son is an amazing little baby. He loves to sleep, he doesn't cry a lot, and he is completely healthy. 

He has a perfect baby, and I wonder if he knows that.

   It isn't fair to Ryder. Ryder didn't do anything to deserve this. He deserves a daddy. He deserves someone to hold him and love him. Someone to teach him how to throw a baseball. Someone to teach him how to be a man. Someone to teach him to be chivalrous and to be well-mannered. Ryder deserves a good, Godly man to be his daddy. 

Yet he doesn't have that right now. 

   But I am his momma, and I love him so much. Yes, I have to change all the diapers. I have to get up when he cries. I have to hold him when he is fussy. If he doesn't feel good, I'm up with him all night. I also get all of his love. I get all his smiles and giggles. I get to hold him while he sleeps and watch him dream. I get to cuddle with him every single day, and I get to watch him grow. I get to be so proud.  

   But I hope that someday soon, I can share my son. I pray that a Godly man will come into our lives. I hope that someone who will love us will decide to take care of us. Hopefully I won't have to be the one to throw the baseball with him (although, I would love to, even if I'm really bad at it). Hopefully I won't have to be a substitute dad, but until then, I will gladly be just that. 

   My baby may not have an earthly father at the moment, but I hope that I always know that he has a Heavenly Father. I hope Ryder always turns to him, and I pray to him everyday to keep my baby safe and healthy. I hope that my baby never wonders whether or not he was wanted or not, because I wanted him. I wanted Ryder when I saw that first pink positive sign.

I wanted you. I will always want you. I love you more than anything.