Diaper Bag at Five and a Half Months

   I love seeing what is in people's purses, backpacks, and diaper bags. Maybe I'm just a really nosy person, but I think you can tell something's about a person by the contents of their bag. I decided that after 5 1/2 months, I've got this diaper bag thing down, except for when I forgot to replace the extra clothes in the diaper bag, Ryder ended up wearing a diaper and a beanie till we got to Ross. In a positive light, Ryder got a really cute, new outfit!

   I use my Vera Bradley diaper bag. It is awesome, everything fits, it is easy to carry, and it is stylish. I also have matching accessories, which is pretty awesome. I have the bottle holder, the paci holder, the baby blanket, and the key chain!(: Now, onto the contents!

I have diapers and wipes (duh!), we use Pampers, because it is the best for us. I also have little bags to put clothes on when Ryder has a blowout.

Neat cheeks (a new and awesome product) to wipe Ryder's face, they have a sweet flavor (which is so much better than wipes!) and they aren't sticky (ig - @theneatcheeks). And a pack of Kleenex.

I always have an extra outfit (ig's - pants-@joyaltee, tank onesie-@littleurbanapparel) , extra socks, and extra beanie (ig - @twolittlekings). His paci is MAM brand, and the clip is leather with his name on it, made by @coconutrobot on ig.

Toys are a must now, especially with Ryder getting older and needing more to keep him entertained. He loves his wooden teeter fox (from @bannortoys on ig) and his fox lovey (from Carter's). 

I have to nursing covers, one of them doubles as a seat cover, and both work as scarves. The flowered one comes from @coveredgoods on ig, and the gray with triangles comes from @kismetlovecollection on ig. They both work as a makeshift blanket or mat as well. Although I always have at least one blanket, usually Ryder's personalized one from @kennedyscollection on ig.

I have a thing of mascara (Rimmel brand just from Walgreens) and a perfume rolly ball (Tease from VS). Lip balm is a must, I love my eos lip balm.

I almost always have at least two nursing necklaces, which are both from @mamaandlittle on ig. They are seriously the best thing. They are cute and Ryder loves them!

Last, but not least, my ring sling frond Sakura Bloom (ig - @lovesakurabloom). I love my ring sling, and I don't know what I'd do without it. It is so much easier than hauling Ryder around in his seat. And it fits perfectly in my bag, which is awesome.

   Hope you enjoyed seeing what was in Ryder's bag. I also usually have a water bottle, some kind of snack, my wallet (which is also Vera Bradley), and another onesie (for safe measure). Hand sanitizer and changing pad are connected to the actual bag. Sophie the Giraffe also makes its way in their most of the time, so it varies with time, but this is the usual.

Is there anything you use that I don't have and should, let me know!! I am always up for suggestions!(:

An Easter Letter to my Baby

   I sit here on my bed and gently rock you. We've just gotten out of the shower. You have that amazing, clean baby smell. I need to put you down and get ready because it is Easter morning. You are supposed to look your best on Easter morning. That is why some people go to church, to show off their new Easter clothes and goodies. People actually wake up extra early to make sure they look extra good.

   I always have. I've always bought a new dress for Easter. I wake up on Easter morning and go check the Easter basket to see if the Easter bunny left anything good. My family had a really awesome Easter bunny growing up, in fact, I almost saw him once when I was about seven, but that is another story for another day. 

   You were fussy and hungry, so I fed you. You kept rubbing your eyes, and I knew you would fall asleep soon. My sister is playing some worship music in the other room while she is getting ready, so I'm just singing along with those. I've set my phone down, and I'm focused on you. You are just looking at me as I sing to you.

   I'm an awful singer. I can carry a tune, but that doesn't mean I can sing very well. As I sing you just take everything in. You love that I'm singing to you. You are slowly drifting off to my almost off key singing. As your eyelids become heavier every time you blink, I tear up. I'm sitting here with you, and you are the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. 

   You love me so much, and it doesn't matter that I can't sing. It doesn't matter that I have to get ready. It is Easter morning. This is the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the dead. We celebrate life today, and because of that life, you and I have life, little one. I am reminded that God gave you to me. God gave me a glimpse of His plan for me, to be a mother. I am your mother, and I love you so much.

   Jesus died on the cross for you, and he rose again three days later. I still need to get ready for church, but I think I'll just rock you a little bit longer and thank God for everything He has done. I hope that you grow to love Easter and everything that goes with it. I hope you look forward to the Easter bunny bringing your Easter basket, but I hope I never forget to teach you the real reason we have Easter. I hope that I always remind you of your Heavenly Father. 

   I'm thankful for mommy moments such as this. I'm overjoyed that I have you in my arms this Easter. Your first Easter of hopefully very many. Happy Easter my little one. Mommy loves you.

xx

20 Facts About Myself

   Alright, here are 20 random facts about myself. 

1. My name is Hannah LeeAnn, but my mom called me Hannah LeeAnna growing up, thus my IG name, and snapchat name, and Twitter name, etc.

2. I just turned 21, but a lot of people think I look younger than I am. I got that baby face going on.

   This was the night of my 21st with some of my friends, the first night I felt really dressed up and pretty since having Ryder!

  

3. I've changed my major about five times, I've been a psych major, elementary education major, general studies major, nursing major, and now I'm back to psych.

4. I hate school, absolutely hate it. I don't think everyone should have to go to college to get a good job, too many people are going to college. 

5. I always knew I wanted to be a momma, ever since I was little. I would breastfeed my baby dolls as a little kid.

6. I want a big family, like five or six kids, and I adore being pregnant. I felt like a goddess when I was pregnant with Ryder. I cannot wait to have a big pregnant belly again!

7. I am the oldest of six kids, I have four sisters and one brother.

8. My first year of college was spent in Nashville, TN. I missed my home very much though, and I don't think I'll ever live too far away from my family again.

9. I went to a private, Christian school kindergarten to graduation. I left for two years in middle school, but went back. So I graduated with people that I went to kindergarten with.

10. I love coffee a lot, which is why I became a barista at Starbucks. I've been with the company almost three years now.

11. My first job was at Chickfila. I worked there for about seven months, and I hated it. I love eating there now though.

12. I can do the backwards worm, at least I could before I was pregnant, I haven't really tried doing it since I've had a baby! 

13. My favorite color is grey, I love grey because it goes with everything, but I love blue colors as well. My walls in my room are a super light grey/blue!

14. I love baby wearing, and I have six slings, and I use them all! They are all ring slings, but I'd love to add a different kind of carrier eventually.

15. I plan on breastfeeding Ryder till he is a year old, although I wouldn't mind doing it for a little longer. 

16. I cosleep with my baby, which isn't for everyone, but perfect for Ryder and myself. He has only slept in his crib twice in his life.

17. I love Coldplay, We the Kings, All American Rejects, Mumford and Sons, the Avett Brothers, The Civil Wars, and those are just the first few bands off the top of my head.

18. I am a single mother, and dating hasn't even really crossed my mind much. I've had a guy or two wanna talk, but I have so much on my mind right now. I'm also very picky and believe that I should not settle, for my sake and Ryder's sake!

19. I love the water, I'm so happy I live five minutes from the beach. I hope Ryder will grow up with a love of water as well. 

20. I have a blanket obsession. I have about fifteen or so, and Ryder shares my obsession because he has about twenty or so. I make blankets and I buy blankets. That feeling when you open a brand new blanket and it is just so soft, it is seriously one of the most simple joys in life!

   This was not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm sure my friends and family knew a lot of these already. I know everyone has been doing this on Instagram, but I figured my blog could use a little action. 

   I hope you enjoyed getting to know a little more about me!(:

xx

Easter Basket

   Easter is in just a week! I have been busy with a birthday and being a momma, so I haven't had time to write lately. I have a few posts in mind to write down and share, so hopefully I will get a few posts out these next few weeks.

   I wanted to just share my littles Easter basket! Maybe give you some last minute ideas, or future gift ideas.

   Ryder has lots of fox clothing from Carters, so I found the blanket that goes with it all. I got three board books, two Dr. Seuss, and one Biscuit the Puppy book. Two wooden toys from Bannor Toys, a wooden car and a wooden bunny teether. I also got a JellyCat bunny which has Ryder's initials on the ear!

   I'm super excited for Ryder to open his basket. The wooden toys have his name on them, and I also got some swim trunks for him. I got some dark chocolate to put on the eggs, but those are for me! 

  I love putting books in the basket, as well as toys. The blankets came from JC Penneys, books from Toys R Us, wooden toys from Bannor Toys (@bannortoys on ig), the monogrammed Jellycat bunny from Peekawho (@peekawhoo on ig)! The swim trunks and the basket are both from Target. 

   I got Ryder's Easter morning outfit from JC Penneys, and his lounge outfit from Target. He will be using his mint cross Wren and Rumor blanket (@wrenandrumor on ig) and he has dollar bunny ears from Target as well.

   I'm super excited for Easter because Ryder is old enough to get excited for things! There will definitely be pictures on my Instagram on Easter, and I might try to do a recap post afterwards! 

  I will be writing a birthday post soon, and some other things. If you have any suggestions, or things you'd like to hear my thoughts on, feel free to get ahold of me, whether email or social media. I hope everyone has an amazing Easter, I'm sure Ryder and I will!

xx

No Longer a Secret

   I'm so excited for Easter. Easter is the time of year that calls for a new dress, and last year was no different.. except for the fact that I was pregnant. I had just found out I was pregnant this time last year. As I was trying on dresses, I was wondering what I'd look like with a big, pregnant belly. I had no idea I wouldn't even show till my third trimester. I had no idea whether I was having a boy or a girl, and only a handful of people knew I was even pregnant.

   I was already thinking of names, and I was trying not to worry or stress out too much. I was only about seven or eight weeks along. I wanted to see a doctor so badly so that I knew everything would be alright. I had no idea I'd be holding a perfectly healthy four month old a year later. I was more tired than usual, and I had no idea that growing a baby that was about the size of a speck was so tiring. 

   I finally found a beautiful cream dress, but the same night I bought it, someone stole it. I was so angry, and I was being so dramatic because I was so sad. I knew I would never find a dress as pretty, and I felt like I had thrown money down the drain. Then the next day I got a call, and as pregnancy brain would have it, I had left it in the Victoria's Secret changing room. 

   So I had a beautiful dress and a wonderful secret last year. Not everyone knew I was pregnant and all I could think about was how excited I was to make an Easter basket this year. I was thinking about how the Easter bunny would visit a baby the next year. I was wondering what kind of basket I would use, and what I would put in it. I would have to get a stuffed bunny whether I was having a boy or a girl. I'd get to buy an Easter outfit for a baby, and not just myself. I was so excited for right now.

   I have not been disappointed either. Easter is a little less than a month away, and I have Ryder's Easter basket almost ready. I'm just waiting on a few things to arrive in the mail. Once those arrive, I'll be able to put his basket together. Then on Easter morning, the Easter bunny will put his basket out for him to find. I have a little outfit for Sunday morning, and I have a lounge Easter outfit for him as well. 

   Christmas was fun, but Ryder was so little that he didn't really understand the excitement. He was still so new. Next Christmas will be a lot of fun (and so different)! Ryder might be walking by then, which is so hard to even imagine! So I feel like this is Ryder's first real holiday.

   Easter is going to be so cool. Ryder is grabbing at toys, and gets excited about things now. I got him some more wooden toys, a romper, a bunny, and books. I might have added some dark chocolate as well (for me, of course!). It will be awesome to see Ryder smile as I show him his toys on Easter morning. 

   It is becoming harder and harder to imagine I grew this little babe of mine. That a year ago, Easter was approaching, and this beautiful baby boy was only a secret. I look at Ryder, and I see a miracle. The miracle of life. I see a baby that spent nine months growing inside of me. I've been thanking God so much for placing Ryder in my life. This time last year, I was feeling so many emotions. Now looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what He was doing. 

xx

No Place I'd Rather Be

   My last few posts have not been very happy posts, so I think it is time for a good post. I've cut out coffee, well caffeine. I've been drinking fully decaf coffees and a little bit of sweet tea. I've been trying to drink more water. I started out the year really well, I was drinking almost a gallon a day. That was one of my resolutions, so I am making that resolution again. 

   The cool thing about resolutions is that you can start one at anytime. I am drinking more water again, and I feel immensely better. You can blame it on positive thinking if you'd like, but since I decided to give up caffeine and drink more water a few days ago, I've been happier. The weather is still cool and dreary, but my mood is not. 

   If you have any resolutions that you've drifted away from, maybe now is the time to make them again. Maybe it is time to change your resolutions or make new ones. 

   Another resolution I'm adding is that I've decided to put my phone down when my baby needs me. I've decided to hold and cherish my baby because he is the best thing to ever happen to me. There are babies out there who don't get loved on, and I don't want Ryder to ever feel like that.

   I am his mother. If Ryder needs me, I will be there. I will not let my baby cry, not because I'm spoiling him, but because he is a baby who needs his mother. When babies cry, something is wrong. That is how they communicate. When my baby needs his mother, he will have her because I know that is what is best for my child.

   I shower my baby in love, because how can I not? When I see this baby of mine smiling, it makes me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. When I see my baby sleeping, that peaceful look just melts me. I will do anything to keep my baby safe. I am his protector. I want him to never be fearful of going to sleep. 

   I'll be cleaning or doing something, and I'll look over at Ryder and he will be watching me. He just watches me, and as a four month old, I know he already admires me and looks up to me. I am responsible for this beautiful, sweet child. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be the best mother I can be. 

   So my resolutions are to drink more water, and love my baby more. A little less than what I started the year with, but two things I can put all my energy into. They shouldn't be too hard, especially the second one since my heart literally overflows with love for my son.

There's no place I'd rather be.

xx

Growing Pains

   It is four in the morning and Ryder has been asleep since eleven. I am waiting for him to wake up. You may think I'm crazy, waiting for my baby to wake up. I lay him down in his crib for the first time in his eleven week old life. That is where he is currently sleeping at this moment.

   I have been waiting for him to wake up because I knew that he would not like his crib. I knew he would wake up and wonder where his mother is. He would awake yearning for my closeness and familiarity. I have been watching him like a hawk since he fell asleep five hours ago. I wanted to be there when he woke up. I did not expect him to go down for the night.

   My baby is growing up before my very eyes. I am making myself sit here on my bed. I keep wanting to pick him up and cuddle and nurse him back to sleep. Just the other day I was talking about how he had to be nursed to sleep. Of course only days later would I lay him in his crib to instantly fall asleep at a decent time for a full night's sleep.

   I must be crazy, being one of the only mother's complaining about having a perfect baby. I know right now there are mothers rocking there crying babes. There are mothers with babies who are teething, who are sick, who have to be held. I know that those mothers are probably exhausted and just praying for a moment of sleep. 

   Being a mother is a hard job, but it is rewarding. I hope those mothers that are up right now hold there babies tight tonight. I hope that while they are praying for that moment of sleep, that they are also praying for their little baby. Thanking God for the opportunity to be their momma. Thanking Him for what is hopefully one of the best things that ever happened to them.

   I know this is the one of many moments that will make me wish time would slow down. I'm sure Ryder will wake up in another hour or so to eat, and I am eagerly waiting to hold and nurture him. Tonight might be a fluke, and I might not get him to sleep in the crib again for awhile. If that happens, I will be just fine. I will also be just fine if he decides he loves his crib. I'm proud of my baby, and I always will be. I will be just fine being his momma.

xx

Five Weeks and Change

   Ryder is a little over five weeks old. He is getting so big so fast! I took him to the doctor today because he has been congested, and got his stats. He is 10 lbs. and 7 oz. and 22 and 1/4 in. long!! It makes me so proud that he is growing so much!

   

   This picture made me want to cry though! This is a four week difference. I did not think that there would be so much change in four weeks, but oh my goodness!! He stretches out now and he plumped out just a bit. 

   

   He just started smiling the other day! The day before Thanksgiving, he smiled on purpose for the first time. I haven't caught it on camera yet, but I'm sure I will soon.(: He is also holding up his head so well. I am gonna have to get the bumbo seat out soon and see if he likes it.(: 

   I'm so excited for Ryder's first Christmas! I just put up a Christmas list post up before this one, and I'll be putting up a gift guide of sorts tomorrow (I promise, it is already written, I just have to detail it and finish it up!!)

xx

Man Crushes and Crafts

   So if you know me at all (or read my blog or see my Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter) you know that my child is my whole world. I love him more than anything. I did not understand what love was till I became pregnant with Ryder.

   I also love to craft. I've realized I'm really good at starting crafts and not really finishing them though. I find a new project I wanna try before I finish the last (I know, it is awful). One day I hope to have a craft room, so I can keep all the crafts in one place.

   So in conclusion, I love my son and I love crafts. This means I make a lot of things for my baby. It really is nice actually having time to make things for Ryder. It is also nice because he pretty much likes everything I make him (mostly because I am his mom and he doesn't really have a choice anyway, haha).

   Well, in the last week, I have crocheted a blanket, sewn a boppy pillow cover, almost completed two burp rags, painted a onesie, got squares of a quilt sewn together, and found three or four more projects I'd like to start. Well, I'd like to share my boppy pillow cover project because a cover cost from $25-$60 if you buy one. It cost me maybe $8 to make one. (Fabric cost me $4, Thread cost $2, and a Zipper cost $2). I also shopped smart and used coupons.(:

   My sister has a sewing machine, which she so graciously allowed me to use (thank you, Sarah<3). My boppy pillow was the one my mom got when she was pregnant with my little sister a year ago. It is black and white, it didn't look bad at all, but I wanted something a little more boyish and grey. 

What You Need:

• fabric (1 yard of two different fabrics, or 2 yards of the same fabric. I used cotton fabric for the top side, and a soft minky fabric for the other.)

• thread and needle (or sewing machine)

• zipper (you can always make it with a flap, or use velcro, but I really like the zipper)

   First you trace out your pattern onto the fabric. You can either use a cover you already have, or just used the pillow (give an extra inch to the pattern when you trace the actual pillow). Cut the fabric out, and lay them on top of one another. You sew on the zipper next, I found a great way to do that here. 

   After the zipper is sewn on, sew your two pieces together. Make sure you leave the zipper a little unzipped so you can turn the case inside out after you are done sewing. Once you sew the two pieces together, you have a boppy case. I used this tutorial to make this (except for the zipper part).

   Talk about an easy project, my case didn't turn out perfect (partly because I'd never used a sewing machine before in my life), but it serves it's purpose and actually turned out really cute (at least I think so!). 

   I also want to add the picture of the onesie I made and ask a question before I end this post. 

   How cute is it?!(: I cannot wait to put him in it for Man Crush Monday (the onesie is 6mo. so it'll be a little while before he wears it)! And the question is, does anyone know what the envelope flaps on onesies are for?? I recently found out and will have to write a short post about it tomorrow, but if you think you know, I wanna hear y'all's answers!(:

xx

PS
   If you haven't checked out my last post about a small etsy shop, do it!! She was sweet enough to include a 30% off discount code for her shop.(:

   

Swaddling and Burritos

   Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with burritos, except that when you swaddle a baby, they look like a burrito!(:

   I am about to lay down with Ryder and go to sleep. It is freezing tonight, and I knew that I needed to make sure Ryder was all snug and cozy. So I put on his sleeper and a hat, then I got his swaddle blanket out and wrapped him up. I laid him down to go get a glass of water and I heard very unhappy crying. I rushed back to Ryder and picked him up. He wouldn't stop crying. Finally I let his arms out of his swaddle blanket and he was instantly happy.

(He looks unhappy in this picture, but he wasn't for long. I freed his hands after taking the picture, and he was happy as a clam!)

  Babies love to be swaddled. That is what I read on every single website and blog anyway. I may or may not have looked up tutorials on the best ways to swaddle a baby. I was excited to have a little baby burrito.

   Guess what. My baby didn't get the memo about being swaddled. He let me swaddle him maybe a week or so after he was born. He likes to move his hands and arms around. He likes to be free, not bundled. Ryder crushed my dreams of having a baby burrito.

   One thing I've realized though is that my baby isn't just another baby. I can't go off of all the websites and books. Ryder is a little person who at one week old already had likes and dislikes. 

   Every now and again I'll think about how I can't wait for Ryder to get a little bit older. I can't wait to see his personality grow, but then I realize he already has a personality. Which I still can't wait to see him grow, but I am definitely taking him all in at the moment. 

   Not all babies are alike, and maybe my next baby will like being swaddled (because I have some mad swaddling skills, and I'd hate for them to go to waste!). So don't expect your baby to be one way or the other, because they are already little people that can prove you wrong. 

   And this is one of the blog posts telling future and current mothers that your baby may not like being swaddled. Hopefully you won't be as crushed as I was, ha.(:

xx

Brett Ryder's First Adventure: Through the Birth Canal

   Today my baby is exactly a week old. It seriously makes me want to cry, I want my baby to stay a baby. I figured it would be appropriate to write my birth story today. I wrote it not long after I gave birth, so it was fresh on my mind. Looking back, it's only been a week, but my labor is fuzzy in my mind. I remember it, but not like I did when it had just happened. I'm glad I wrote down what I did. The writing may not be perfect, but I'm sure that people understand I had just had a baby and just wanted to remember the birth of him. So here it is!

   "So I had my baby! He is perfect. I started pit at one in the morning, made it till around noon and got the epidural, which was the best thing ever. I had gotten some other pain medicine around nine which made me kinda loopy. I couldn't stop smiling or talking, and I was a happy girl, ha. 

   Around 11 I decided I would probably be getting the epidural, and by the time it was noon, I was wanting the epidural In a bad sort of way. I got the epidural about 12:45, and it was nothing like I expected. It did not hurt at all really, the only hurt was when he initially numbed where he would put the epidural. The relief came within minutes. The only thing was that the catheter was slightly uncomfortable, but I think that it wouldn't have bothered me if I hadn't have just had a bladder infection. My blood pressure was low, so I was on oxygen till my last push or so. The epidural lowered my blood pressure, and the oxygen was for the baby, to make sure he was ohkay. 

 
  I felt like I needed to push a little after 7. The pain all the sudden became so intense. I just started crying because it hurt so much. I could move my legs and everything, so I think the epidural had started wearing off. They came in and gave me something else for the pain which helped a little bit. I couldn't stop crying. I was crying to my mom because I was crying. I remember telling her that I was sad because I was gonna be emotional now. And she chuckled at me. Pain and meds make you feel all sorts of emotions, that's for sure.

 
  I had music playing while this was going on, and I had made a little playlist of just songs I liked. A few weeks ago I was joking about playing the song "hooked on a feeling" when I was pushing. My mom was not amused, although my siblings were, ha. Well, the last song I remember hearing is that song. I was in so much pain, and all the sudden, that song starts playing, in my extreme state of pain, I started laughing while I was crying. All I could think of was how ironic it was playing because my playlist was on shuffle, and I will definitely not forget that song playing.

 
  I pushed for a good 30 minutes, and my perfect baby boy was born! The doctors kept saying most mommas push for an hour or two, and with the epidural, two or three hours. I was not going to push that long. There was no way. So I didn't. They got a mirror so I could see Ryder's head. I saw my baby be born. My doctor was telling everyone how good I did, and that I had an amazing birth. It definitely made me happy that I had done so well my first time.

 
  They said I must have had a perfect epidural. I made it till my pain was at a 8 1/2-9, then I got the epidural. I never had to up the pit more than what was supposed to be the perfect amount. I could still move my legs, although I think it wore off right around the very end. I wasn't numb at all after Ryder was born.

 
  I think that my birth was perfect for me. As soon as he was born, they put him right on my chest. I ended up needing two stitches, which I could feel her do, but I didn't care because my baby was laying on my chest, I couldn't believe it. My mom cut the umbilical cord, and I got to bond with Ryder for an hour before they gave him a bath and weighed him and everything. It was so surreal. 

   One thought I couldn't shake was how good he smelled. Before you have a baby, you think about how your baby is gonna be kinda slimy and need to be cleaned when they are born, but when he was on my chest, he was not slimy at all to me. He was perfect. And I really couldn't believe he smelled so good, ha. My baby ended up being 7lb 14.8 oz. 20 1/2 inches long. And at 12 hours old, he had pooped three times, and had started to suckle more with breastfeeding. My dr made a good call with having him a bit early. I love him so much.<3"

   I am so blessed with my little boy. At a week old, he is breastfeeding really well. He is having good diapers, and he enjoys sleeping, which is wonderful. He is such a sweet-tempered baby. He doesn't cry a lot either. I love my little baby so much.

xx

   

#ManCrushMonday

   I am going to try to start posting on Mondays when it comes to my little man. It seems appropriate considering  the oh so popular hashtag. #mcm. I am so in love.

 I feel like I am going to sporadically post at first, after all, I am a new momma. 

   I adore being a mommy. I plan on writing about how the birth went in another post, but I want to talk about last night for this post.

 I brought Ryder home around five in the afternoon yesterday. I was nervous to be home, but I knew that home is where we need to be to be able to really recover and for our lives together to start. 

   All I could think about when I got home was how I have this little human now. This little boy, that I carried in my tummy for nine months, is mine. I am responsible for this baby. I am the one who has to love, nurture, protect, teach, and take care of this little baby. 

   Ryder was eating really well when we first got home, and he was sleeping well. It seemed like when I decided to go get in my bed for the first time, things just started messing up. I was so tired, and it was the first night of me doing this by myself. I couldn't remember to write down when he was eating. I couldn't get him to stop crying unless I was holding him. Last night seems like such a blur because I was so tired, and I could not remember when he had started or stopped eating. It just was such a difficult night for me. 

   I honestly did not think about how difficult it would be. My mom woke up and came in to help me early this morning and I just could not stop crying. I just felt like such a bad mom. I felt like I had been doing so well, and then I was supposed to do it on my own and it is like everything was just wrong. All I could think about was how my baby was not going to be okay. 

   Now when I look back on last night, I had Ryder alone for only about four hours. It was not that long. I fed Ryder enough, and he was safe, warm, full, and with his mommy. (These hormones are no joke.) These first few days are going to be really hard, but I know that if I push through these days, I will be just fine. I really am so so blessed. 

   There is no way I could do this without my family. My mom and dad both came in this morning and held Ryder and watched him long enough for me to get a little bit of sleep. My sister watched him this morning after I fed him and got him settled down. That allowed me another hour and a half of much needed sleep. 

   After waking up, and getting ready to take Ryder to the doctor to get a check, all I could think about was a certain quote. “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  This is a quote by Elizabeth Stone.

  I think this is the first quote I have ever heard that is so applicable and true. Right now, holding my little boy, I am looking at my heart. When someone is holding Ryder, they are holding my heart. This baby is a part of me. 

   It is insane, this feeling of being a mommy. I pray that I will be the best mom that I can be for Ryder. I know I wont be the most perfect mom, I'm gonna mess up, I am gonna forget to write down which breast Ryder ate at last. I am gonna forget to write down when I changed his diaper sometimes. I am also going to love this little boy more than anything in this world. 

   I'm so happy my baby is now safe and in my arms. I am one blessed momma.

I have just started one of the greatest adventures of my life.

xx