I Was There Once Too

   It is amazing how far I've come. The only people who really know the journey I've been on is my family. 

   You hear people joke about how they put their parents through the ringer, well for me, it wasn't a joke. It is true that you realise how good you had it when you grow up. As a 21 year old mother of my own little boy, I look back and wish I could have made it easier for my parents. 

   When I was 14 years old, I started cutting. I just wanted to know what it was like to cut. Then I realised that people let me do whatever I want when they saw my arm. So I used it to my advantage. I could stop whenever I wanted, but I loved seeing people's reactions when I was such a seemingly happy girl. Depression slowly creeped in and I contemplated suicide once or twice. 

   I was always scared to die though. I knew it would be a selfish thing to do. I thank God that He gave me that fear. I stopped cutting for a good bit of time during high school. I was genuinely happy during my sophomore and junior year of high school, but then the depression crept back in. 

   My senior year was a hard year for me. Outwardly it was fine, but my inner struggles were a battle. I started cutting again and had no desire to do anything. I felt like I had no real friends and I had to fight to keep the darkness from taking over again. 

   I was so happy to graduate, and I decided to leave home and go to a new state. I decided to live in a place where I knew no one. I could start over. While I was there, the devil was determined to discourage me again. I had a good first semester of college, but by the end of the first semester, I wanted to go home. I even packed my bags and began driving home. I missed my family, and my mom found out she was pregnant while I was away at college. That added to my desire to come home. I wasn't there for my mom, and that was so hard for me. 

   To make matters worse, a girl told lies about me to the college for reasons that I will probably never know. Because of those lies, I had to go to counselling and almost got kicked out. I thought a year away from home would help me so much, yet the opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been and the cutting started again. 

   I was so much better when I got home. I stopped cutting, and started to finally mend myself. I started winning the battles with depression I had. Not all of them, but some of them. I started going out and drinking every now and again though. I also started smoking cigarettes. I started going out more and more, and then came the day that I found out I was pregnant. The path I was going down came to an abrupt change.

   2014 was the year I decided to change my life, but I had no idea it would change as much as it did. The day after New Years I got a tattoo on my arm, over the scars where I'd regularly cut. Infragilis et Tenera. It's Latin for unbreakable and fragile. I realised that I was unbreakable, I am strong. I can win the battle with depression. God is on my side, and He is the only reason I've made it this far. He will continue to be my strength, but I'm still fragile. I can't just be reckless, and do whatever I want.

   I had no idea the change God had in plan for me. I found out I was pregnant the day after Valentine's Day. The partying had to stop, and my life needed to change. That wasn't as hard for me to do as I thought it would have been. I would have never chosen to have Ryder when I did, yet at the same time, God had perfect timing and knew exactly what it would take for me to get my life on track. 

   I am in no way saying that if your life needs change that a baby is a solution. But for me, it was. Ryder changed my life for the better. Since becoming pregnant, I have not been depressed like I used to be, neither have I cut. Now I can truly look back and see what hurt and pain I put everyone around me in. I would have done things differently if I could. I would not have started cutting. I would not have put my parents through the worry that I now know they must've suffered. I would not have left home for a year.

   I also realise that everything has happened for a reason. When I moved from home, it was one of the worse years, but I became closer to my mom than I had been for a long time. I realise that my depression has made me stronger because I've learned how to deal with it. Hopefully the things I've done and gone through give me the actual experience to help someone else. Maybe I can help someone not make the decisions I did make. I can relate to some people in ways others can't because of some of my experiences. 

   I've come such a long way. I am nothing like I used to be. I have gone through more than most people know about, and I am proud of where I am now. I am proud that I've had trials that I've overcome. I hope that my children make better choices than I did. I hope my siblings see the mistakes I made and make better choices. I hope that anyone who reads this realises that everyone has their own battles that they are fighting through, but that it is possible that someone is fighting a battle very similar to yours. Others have made it through the bad stuff. 

   I am 21 years old and I love my life. I could not imagine my life how it is now as a 14 year old girl. If I could go back and tell that 14 year old girl about how much she had to look forward to, maybe things would have been easier. Life truly does get better. When you are at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Push through whatever it is you are going through, you'll be thankful you did, I promise.

xx

20 Facts About Myself

   Alright, here are 20 random facts about myself. 

1. My name is Hannah LeeAnn, but my mom called me Hannah LeeAnna growing up, thus my IG name, and snapchat name, and Twitter name, etc.

2. I just turned 21, but a lot of people think I look younger than I am. I got that baby face going on.

   This was the night of my 21st with some of my friends, the first night I felt really dressed up and pretty since having Ryder!

  

3. I've changed my major about five times, I've been a psych major, elementary education major, general studies major, nursing major, and now I'm back to psych.

4. I hate school, absolutely hate it. I don't think everyone should have to go to college to get a good job, too many people are going to college. 

5. I always knew I wanted to be a momma, ever since I was little. I would breastfeed my baby dolls as a little kid.

6. I want a big family, like five or six kids, and I adore being pregnant. I felt like a goddess when I was pregnant with Ryder. I cannot wait to have a big pregnant belly again!

7. I am the oldest of six kids, I have four sisters and one brother.

8. My first year of college was spent in Nashville, TN. I missed my home very much though, and I don't think I'll ever live too far away from my family again.

9. I went to a private, Christian school kindergarten to graduation. I left for two years in middle school, but went back. So I graduated with people that I went to kindergarten with.

10. I love coffee a lot, which is why I became a barista at Starbucks. I've been with the company almost three years now.

11. My first job was at Chickfila. I worked there for about seven months, and I hated it. I love eating there now though.

12. I can do the backwards worm, at least I could before I was pregnant, I haven't really tried doing it since I've had a baby! 

13. My favorite color is grey, I love grey because it goes with everything, but I love blue colors as well. My walls in my room are a super light grey/blue!

14. I love baby wearing, and I have six slings, and I use them all! They are all ring slings, but I'd love to add a different kind of carrier eventually.

15. I plan on breastfeeding Ryder till he is a year old, although I wouldn't mind doing it for a little longer. 

16. I cosleep with my baby, which isn't for everyone, but perfect for Ryder and myself. He has only slept in his crib twice in his life.

17. I love Coldplay, We the Kings, All American Rejects, Mumford and Sons, the Avett Brothers, The Civil Wars, and those are just the first few bands off the top of my head.

18. I am a single mother, and dating hasn't even really crossed my mind much. I've had a guy or two wanna talk, but I have so much on my mind right now. I'm also very picky and believe that I should not settle, for my sake and Ryder's sake!

19. I love the water, I'm so happy I live five minutes from the beach. I hope Ryder will grow up with a love of water as well. 

20. I have a blanket obsession. I have about fifteen or so, and Ryder shares my obsession because he has about twenty or so. I make blankets and I buy blankets. That feeling when you open a brand new blanket and it is just so soft, it is seriously one of the most simple joys in life!

   This was not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm sure my friends and family knew a lot of these already. I know everyone has been doing this on Instagram, but I figured my blog could use a little action. 

   I hope you enjoyed getting to know a little more about me!(:

xx

One Month Must Haves

   These are my one month must haves. I have been doing this whole mother thing for about a month now, and these are things I have personally used almost daily with my new baby. I know a few people having babies soon, so hopefully this will help you out a bit. I will also have to remember to look at this post when I have another baby way down the road!

1. Diapers

   I know this is kind of a "duh" thing to have on any baby list, but Ryder specifically uses pampers. So if anyone wants to get Ryder diapers.. ;) He can use Huggies as well, but we tried an off brand diaper and it caused a rash.:( 

2.Wipes

   Another "duh" item, but wipes are important. Ryder uses Pampers sensitive wipes. Huggies wipes are not good wipes to use, at least I don't think so. They are rough. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup, and if I wouldn't use the wipe on my face, why would I use it on my baby's bottom??

3.Mittens

   I used mittens every day the first two weeks. Ryder always had mittens on because I did not want him to scratch his face. I just stopped putting mittens on him all the time (and of course he scratched his face).

4. Pacifiers

   I am all for pacifiers. Like really, these things are great. Ryder likes the MAM pacis. He started on the paci when he was eight days old. Everywhere I read said to wait about a month before introducing a paci in case of nipple confusion (pshh, my baby hasn't been confused about that at all). Ryder's doctor also said that it was perfectly fine for him to have a paci that early as well since he was gaining weight and healthy. Doctors have recently stated that pacifiers help reduce the risk of SIDS as well (which helps me sleep better at night).

5. Ring Sling

   I adore my ring sling. I have three of them and am so pleased with them. First off, I can use them till Ryder is about 35 pounds. Right now I just use the newborn cradle hold and the belly to belly hold. As Ryder's neck gains more support, I will be able to use the kangaroo hold, and even wear him on my back. The ring sling is comfortable and so versatile. Not all babies and mommas will like the ring sling, but me and Ryder love it!

6. Water, Water, Water

   I cannot state enough that water is so good for you. Mommas need water. Water helps milk production and makes you feel so much better. My water intake is awesome. I have a huge cup that I just keep refilling, it is just so refreshing.

7. Lip Balm

   The two pictures are the exact ones I use. I have never had drier lips in my life. After giving birth, my lips were drier than the Sahara Desert, and lip balm was my best friend. I actually didn't have lip balm in my hospital bag, so thank goodness I have a mom who knew I would probably regret not having lip balm. 

8. Socks

   For you and baby, but mostly for baby. I love baby socks, and they are important too. Babies lose heat through their head and feet. Ryder almost always has his feet and head covered. I use a hat or beanie for his head. 

9. Reusable Nursing Pads

   They have disposable nurse pads, but the reusable ones are much more comfy. They are soft and don't feel as weird as the disposable ones. I am actually making a few nursing pads so I don't have to wash the two sets I have over and over. They are really easy to make, and when you make them, they are cheap, and really cute!

   One thing I don't have pictured that is important is food. Food in general! I forget to eat. I know you are probably wondering,"really, forget to eat?!". Yes, I will go about my day and lay in bed and be kinda hungry, then I will think about it, and I literally will have gone the whole day without eating anything. I drink a lot of water and other drinks, and I just don't get really hungry. I have to stop and make myself eat though because food is important! It keeps milk supply up and it is healthy to eat food. So take the time to eat something after having a baby.

   I am so thankful to not have to want for anything honestly. I am provided with what I need right when I need it. It's really and truly amazing. I have learned lately that there are amazing people in this world. It may seem like humanity is awful nowadays, but I have personally seen the kindness and love still in the world. Strangers have given help to me and Ryder when I least expected it. 

   These are one month necessities for me, and I have been very blessed to have all these things. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and remembers to be thankful for all the people and blessings in their life.

xx