I Was There Once Too

   It is amazing how far I've come. The only people who really know the journey I've been on is my family. 

   You hear people joke about how they put their parents through the ringer, well for me, it wasn't a joke. It is true that you realise how good you had it when you grow up. As a 21 year old mother of my own little boy, I look back and wish I could have made it easier for my parents. 

   When I was 14 years old, I started cutting. I just wanted to know what it was like to cut. Then I realised that people let me do whatever I want when they saw my arm. So I used it to my advantage. I could stop whenever I wanted, but I loved seeing people's reactions when I was such a seemingly happy girl. Depression slowly creeped in and I contemplated suicide once or twice. 

   I was always scared to die though. I knew it would be a selfish thing to do. I thank God that He gave me that fear. I stopped cutting for a good bit of time during high school. I was genuinely happy during my sophomore and junior year of high school, but then the depression crept back in. 

   My senior year was a hard year for me. Outwardly it was fine, but my inner struggles were a battle. I started cutting again and had no desire to do anything. I felt like I had no real friends and I had to fight to keep the darkness from taking over again. 

   I was so happy to graduate, and I decided to leave home and go to a new state. I decided to live in a place where I knew no one. I could start over. While I was there, the devil was determined to discourage me again. I had a good first semester of college, but by the end of the first semester, I wanted to go home. I even packed my bags and began driving home. I missed my family, and my mom found out she was pregnant while I was away at college. That added to my desire to come home. I wasn't there for my mom, and that was so hard for me. 

   To make matters worse, a girl told lies about me to the college for reasons that I will probably never know. Because of those lies, I had to go to counselling and almost got kicked out. I thought a year away from home would help me so much, yet the opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been and the cutting started again. 

   I was so much better when I got home. I stopped cutting, and started to finally mend myself. I started winning the battles with depression I had. Not all of them, but some of them. I started going out and drinking every now and again though. I also started smoking cigarettes. I started going out more and more, and then came the day that I found out I was pregnant. The path I was going down came to an abrupt change.

   2014 was the year I decided to change my life, but I had no idea it would change as much as it did. The day after New Years I got a tattoo on my arm, over the scars where I'd regularly cut. Infragilis et Tenera. It's Latin for unbreakable and fragile. I realised that I was unbreakable, I am strong. I can win the battle with depression. God is on my side, and He is the only reason I've made it this far. He will continue to be my strength, but I'm still fragile. I can't just be reckless, and do whatever I want.

   I had no idea the change God had in plan for me. I found out I was pregnant the day after Valentine's Day. The partying had to stop, and my life needed to change. That wasn't as hard for me to do as I thought it would have been. I would have never chosen to have Ryder when I did, yet at the same time, God had perfect timing and knew exactly what it would take for me to get my life on track. 

   I am in no way saying that if your life needs change that a baby is a solution. But for me, it was. Ryder changed my life for the better. Since becoming pregnant, I have not been depressed like I used to be, neither have I cut. Now I can truly look back and see what hurt and pain I put everyone around me in. I would have done things differently if I could. I would not have started cutting. I would not have put my parents through the worry that I now know they must've suffered. I would not have left home for a year.

   I also realise that everything has happened for a reason. When I moved from home, it was one of the worse years, but I became closer to my mom than I had been for a long time. I realise that my depression has made me stronger because I've learned how to deal with it. Hopefully the things I've done and gone through give me the actual experience to help someone else. Maybe I can help someone not make the decisions I did make. I can relate to some people in ways others can't because of some of my experiences. 

   I've come such a long way. I am nothing like I used to be. I have gone through more than most people know about, and I am proud of where I am now. I am proud that I've had trials that I've overcome. I hope that my children make better choices than I did. I hope my siblings see the mistakes I made and make better choices. I hope that anyone who reads this realises that everyone has their own battles that they are fighting through, but that it is possible that someone is fighting a battle very similar to yours. Others have made it through the bad stuff. 

   I am 21 years old and I love my life. I could not imagine my life how it is now as a 14 year old girl. If I could go back and tell that 14 year old girl about how much she had to look forward to, maybe things would have been easier. Life truly does get better. When you are at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Push through whatever it is you are going through, you'll be thankful you did, I promise.

xx

32 weeks !!

   It's September, which means next month (NEXT MONTH) is October. Most of y'all are probably saying, "well, duh Hannah, that is the month after September," but Ryder is due in October! He is due at the end of October, so he might end up being born in November, but it's getting so close! I have eight more weeks till Ryder's due date, although only four more weeks till I'm technically full term!(:

   In my last blog post, I wrote how my baby sister and I were not feeling too well. It took us a few more days to get over the worse of it all, but we are mostly all better now. 

   At the moment, I am living with my parents. I was hoping to have my own place, but it just hasn't worked out at all. I've been discouraged about it every now and again, but especially after this weekend, I'm glad to be right where I am. It is going to be so nice having my mom here to help with the baby, and I know I'm going to be so thankful for my parents. This weekend, we renovated my room to get it ready for me and Ryder.

   I've slept in a twin bed my whole life, as of last night, I have a full bed. It is literally amazing, and I have so much room to stretch out!(: The walls in my room and bathroom were a deep red and a mustard yellow, now my walls are antique white with one grey accent wall. My bathroom is the same color as the accent wall! 

This is the before color.

   I'm not going to put up pictures till it is all finished, but here is a sneak peek. This is in my bathroom, I love the light grey color. It looks so fresh and clean. I cannot wait to finish getting all my furniture and decorate the bare walls.

   I went antique shopping and found these drawers for Ryder. I saw them and thought they were perfect. I even talked down the price just a little bit, which means I paid less than what the seller was originally wanting. I would have never thought I'd have so much together last week!

   Now all I need is a crib! If anyone wants to help a momma bear out, I'm not picky. I just want something that is safe and will look good in my room! 

   Me and my brother in the top picture.(:

   Sunday lunch at Bagelheads. I went to lunch after church with one old friend and one new friend. That potato and cheddar soup and cinnamon raisin bagel were amazing!! Now, on to the fun survey! I only read this part on some people's blogs (so I understand if this is all you care about, haha)! 

How far along: 32 weeks

Gender: Boy(:

Weight gain: About 16 lbs. it will be interesting to see how much I gained when I go to the doctor next week, especially after losing a couple of lbs last week

Maternity clothes: I don't think I wore any maternity clothes this last week.. Ha, I need to go through all my clothes this next week!

Stretch marks: Still none, I am considering myself lucky so far(:

Belly button in or out: Flat as flat can be

Sleep: I actually slept pretty well this last week, although I've become such a light sleeper, which is not a bad thing since I am planning on co-sleeping (which I will try to write about this week!) 

Best moment this week: I finished Ryder's matching baby afghan, and I won quite a few Instagram contests, I also have my room almost put together, and honestly, yesterday and today, I've been on the brink of tears from being so happy and feeling just so, so blessed. 

Miss anything: I miss bending down! I'm officially admitting that it is such a chore to bend down, once I'm down, I have to make sure that there is nothing else that needs to done while I'm down! I miss sleeping on my stomach too...

Movement: So much movement and I absolutely adore it. I think him moving is one of my favorite things about being pregnant.

Cravings: I've been craving waffles this week, I know that people make fun of Waffle House, but I love it !! The hashbrowns and waffles are just so good.. (And now I might have to go get a waffle before I go to bed, it's a good thing they are open all night :D)

Looking forward to: Having my baby shower! Invitations should be sent out soon, and then I will need to tell people who don't get invitations about it. I am excited, the date for my baby shower will be in about three weeks. I am hopefully taking maternity picture soon too! 

   I still have so much to do, but I'm a happy momma. God is being so good to me and Ryder. I pray that I will just remember that every good thing is sent from Above!(: Pray that I will find a crib soon, and that the rest of my room will come together nicely. Pray that I also get all my paper work done for work, hospital, etc. 

   Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers!

xx