I didn't think you'd be such a happy baby after a sleepless night, but you never cease to surprise me. I lay next to you and watch you smile at me as if to say good morning. I have never been a morning person, but I don't find it hard to get up as much anymore. You've given my life meaning. You've given me a reason to wake up in the morning.
These first few months have been a learning experience. You are my first child, and you teach me something new every day. It is amazing how much you have changed me. You've taught me to be patient, kind, and tough.
I've never been an unbearable impatient person, but I've had my moments. You've taught me that things will happen when they happen. I can't just get up and go anywhere anymore. It is a process. I usually make sure you are ready first, and then I start getting ready. I usually have to feed you once while I'm getting ready. I have to make sure the diaper bag is ready to go, and hopefully you haven't spit up or pooped out during this time.
I am more patient with time as well. I love the now. I cherish the time I have with you while you are four months old. I miss the newborn days, but I'm not gonna spend my time wishing for those days back (hopefully you'll have brothers and sisters and I'll experience those days again.) I'm also so excited for you to start laughing, and I am excited to watch you grow. I don't want to rush things though. Now you are four months old. Now you are smiling, and sleeping, and wanting me to hold you close. I am content with the now.
Kindness makes such a difference. I try to be kind to everyone I meet now. I've had difficult days, but I remember that fellow mom that gave me that encouraging smile. Those people who told me I was doing a great job right when I needed to hear it. We all have our hard days. That little bit of kindness could give someone the strength to keep going.
I've been so blessed by the kindness of others. I don't think I realized how kind people could be until you were born. Having you on my own was not an easy nor ideal task, but I'm not really alone. I have an amazing family who have changed their lives to help you and me. I have friends who love you as well. I want to pass that kindness on. People have been so kind to us, how could I not pass it on.
I would never have considered myself tough, until you came along. Having a little, innocent baby has made me a momma bear, and no one messes with my baby. I've learned to say, "no." I have realized I can't please everyone, and I don't try to anymore. Ryder, you are my top priority now. I have to take care of you, and make sure you are happy. I'm thankful you have taught me to stand up for you and for myself.
I hope I can teach you these attributes as you grow. Every day is a new day for us. Our days now consist of holding you close, breastfeeding, smiling, changing diapers, and wearing you. I love our days now.
Little baby of mine, as you drift to sleep in my arms, I go through the days. I'm ready to go to bed, but when I go to lay you down, you start suckling again. I don't mind though. I love holding you close to me more than anything. I know you won't always fall asleep while I hold you.
This is my life now.
This is motherhood.
This is all I've ever wanted.