Want.

It makes me angry. 

   I don't get angry, I am a very happy person. I am one of those people who can count on one hand the number of times that I've truly been angry. I look at the positive things in life. I am definitely a glass half full kind of person, and I love that I am. I love that I posses this character trait. I hope that Ryder, and any future children, will inherit my positive outlook on life.

   But I find myself get angry, and sad, and hurt when I think about Ryder's father. Not necessarily for myself, but for my baby.

   I just don't understand, and I don't think it is fair. I wonder why he hasn't asked about him. I wonder if he even knows his name. I wonder if he has been curious and looked at my Instagram or Facebook to see what his son looks like. Why do other people have things working out for them. I know people who would do anything for a baby, and he doesn't even care. 

   I look at my beautiful, perfect son, and I ache that he doesn't have a dad. I will sometimes start to cry because my sweet baby doesn't have a daddy. My son is an amazing little baby. He loves to sleep, he doesn't cry a lot, and he is completely healthy. 

He has a perfect baby, and I wonder if he knows that.

   It isn't fair to Ryder. Ryder didn't do anything to deserve this. He deserves a daddy. He deserves someone to hold him and love him. Someone to teach him how to throw a baseball. Someone to teach him how to be a man. Someone to teach him to be chivalrous and to be well-mannered. Ryder deserves a good, Godly man to be his daddy. 

Yet he doesn't have that right now. 

   But I am his momma, and I love him so much. Yes, I have to change all the diapers. I have to get up when he cries. I have to hold him when he is fussy. If he doesn't feel good, I'm up with him all night. I also get all of his love. I get all his smiles and giggles. I get to hold him while he sleeps and watch him dream. I get to cuddle with him every single day, and I get to watch him grow. I get to be so proud.  

   But I hope that someday soon, I can share my son. I pray that a Godly man will come into our lives. I hope that someone who will love us will decide to take care of us. Hopefully I won't have to be the one to throw the baseball with him (although, I would love to, even if I'm really bad at it). Hopefully I won't have to be a substitute dad, but until then, I will gladly be just that. 

   My baby may not have an earthly father at the moment, but I hope that I always know that he has a Heavenly Father. I hope Ryder always turns to him, and I pray to him everyday to keep my baby safe and healthy. I hope that my baby never wonders whether or not he was wanted or not, because I wanted him. I wanted Ryder when I saw that first pink positive sign.

I wanted you. I will always want you. I love you more than anything.

Life with a Three Month Old

   Let me just say, I love my baby more and more as time goes by. I don't know how my love grows for him, because I love him with everything already. It truly is amazing. Ryder had his two month checkup (even though he is already three months, I know, I'm an awful mother) and he got his two month shots.

   He did so well. He did not cry a lot, only when they stuck him. Poor baby, he was given a little bit of baby Tylenol, and between the Tylenol and the shots, Ryder slept more than usual. When he woke up and became fussy because the Tylenol had wore off, I gave him a bit more. Let me tell you, I've never seen such a look of betrayal on my son's face. He did not like being given Tylenol at all. 

   He is growing up so well. He is 24.5 inches long, and he weighs 13 pounds and 14 ounces. He is roughly in the 50th percentile. I can tell he is starting to get chunky. He is still exclusively breastfeeding, and it is so encouraging to know that he is right on track with his weight and height. 

   Ryder loves sleeping, especially on his stomach. I'm a stomach sleeper, so I can't blame him, but I can't sleep when he is on his tummy because it scares me. Babies aren't supposed to really sleep on their stomach. I can't wait till he is rolling on his own and rolls onto his stomach, then it won't worry me as much.

   It is so cool seeing my baby grow. He is literally growing before my very eyes. He has started looking at things and studying them. He is noticing his toys and his hands. It is so awesome seeing him realize that his toy is there. He loves his hands in his mouth, and he gets better at getting them there every day.

   He is fitting into 3-6 month clothing the best, although he can wear 3 month still, and 6 month too. It is so hard to think that this little baby of mine used to fit inside me. I carried this child in my stomach for nine months, and now here he is. It is insane to look at him and know that I created him. I've said things like that before, and I'm sure that as he gets older, it will get harder and harder to believe. 

   I love having a 3 month old, even though I miss my small, precious newborn. I'm excited for what is to come, I know it is going to be a whirlwind from now on. I can definitely wait for him to grow up, because I love the now. I'm gonna miss him being so little, but I am so excited. 

xx

Do What You Gotta Do

   I love taking Ryder on errands with me. If I go somewhere without him, I feel naked. I feel like a part of me is missing. I truly hate it so much. I've only left him at home with my parents about three times (besides going to work). 

   I started work this past week. I only worked two days, but I'm very torn about it. It was nice getting back into work. I am a barista, so I make coffee. I love it, I love coffee, and making lattes and cappuccinos. I also consider some of my coworkers some of my very best friends. 

 

   On the other hand, I really miss my baby. Also, so much changes in 12 weeks (that is how long maternity leave is in Florida). Many people quit and found new jobs, and they hired quite a few new people. I don't know everyone there anymore, and after not working for almost three months, I have to get back into the swing of things.

   If I could, I'd be a stay at home mom. That is my biggest wish. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I was younger, I would have told you that I wanted to be a mom. In high school, I wrote my vocation paper on being a stay at home mom.

   My mom was a stay at home mom till I was 17 years old, and I loved it. I loved knowing my mom was there for me whenever I needed her. My mom stayed at home with five kids under the age of eight way back when. That truly amazes me, and I want a chance to be able to do that (maybe not with that many kids that young though!). I don't know how my mom did that, bless her!

   I know that if I had done things differently, I might be a stay at home mom instead of a working mom. Now that I've started working again, I think about that a lot. Sometimes it makes me a little sad. Things happen for a reason though, and it is just making me trust in God more. Psalm 145:18-19 says,"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; He heard their cries and saves them." 

   God fulfills the desires of our hearts if we ask Him. I take comfort knowing that He knows what I want more than anything right now. Now I just need to trust in Him to take care of it in His own timing. That isn't the easiest thing to do right now, so I'm constantly having to remind myself to just keep on doing my what I know is the best thing to do for my son and I. 

   I hope that I don't have to work Ryder's entire life. I pray that I can be a mother who stays at home while he is little eventually, whether it is a year from now, or five years from now. I know that I am doing what is best right now in working. I'm making money to support my child and I. I am doing what I have to do in order to provide for my little family. 

   I have a new respect for working mothers and single mothers. I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. It is hard to be a working, single mother, especially when you'd like for it to be different. I know there are other mothers who have similar feelings, and know you aren't alone. I know mothers who have felt like this, and they are proof to me that it will get better, it just takes time.

xx 

Growing Pains

   It is four in the morning and Ryder has been asleep since eleven. I am waiting for him to wake up. You may think I'm crazy, waiting for my baby to wake up. I lay him down in his crib for the first time in his eleven week old life. That is where he is currently sleeping at this moment.

   I have been waiting for him to wake up because I knew that he would not like his crib. I knew he would wake up and wonder where his mother is. He would awake yearning for my closeness and familiarity. I have been watching him like a hawk since he fell asleep five hours ago. I wanted to be there when he woke up. I did not expect him to go down for the night.

   My baby is growing up before my very eyes. I am making myself sit here on my bed. I keep wanting to pick him up and cuddle and nurse him back to sleep. Just the other day I was talking about how he had to be nursed to sleep. Of course only days later would I lay him in his crib to instantly fall asleep at a decent time for a full night's sleep.

   I must be crazy, being one of the only mother's complaining about having a perfect baby. I know right now there are mothers rocking there crying babes. There are mothers with babies who are teething, who are sick, who have to be held. I know that those mothers are probably exhausted and just praying for a moment of sleep. 

   Being a mother is a hard job, but it is rewarding. I hope those mothers that are up right now hold there babies tight tonight. I hope that while they are praying for that moment of sleep, that they are also praying for their little baby. Thanking God for the opportunity to be their momma. Thanking Him for what is hopefully one of the best things that ever happened to them.

   I know this is the one of many moments that will make me wish time would slow down. I'm sure Ryder will wake up in another hour or so to eat, and I am eagerly waiting to hold and nurture him. Tonight might be a fluke, and I might not get him to sleep in the crib again for awhile. If that happens, I will be just fine. I will also be just fine if he decides he loves his crib. I'm proud of my baby, and I always will be. I will be just fine being his momma.

xx

New Years Resolutions

   I was going to write a post on New Year's Day, and I was going to write out a list of my personal resolutions, but time slips away when you become a mother. As the beginning of the New Year has come and gone, I saw quite a few posts and pictures on social media making fun of resolutions. To be honest, a year ago, I would have agreed with these posts. 

   These posts stated how this was the year to actually go through with the resolutions made in 2012. Some talked about how it was another year to stay the same, and how resolutions don't mean anything. 

   

   

   Last year, I was happy in life. I didn't really have any worries, I was paying bills and working. I lived day to day, and was saving up to move out and live with a good friend of mine. I was constantly making friends and going to different parties. I thought I was living the life. I don't remember if I made any resolutions last year, if I did, they were probably along the lines of toning my body, eating healthier, cliche selfish resolutions. 

Last selfie of 2013, and last selfie of 2014.

   This year, I am writing down my resolutions. This year, I will follow through with my resolutions. This year, I will make resolutions I can keep and follow through on. I know that it has been over a week since New Years, but it is not too late to make resolutions. I highly encourage you to make at least one or two achievable resolutions for 2015.

   Here are mine.

1. I will become healthier and get to where I feel good about myself.

   My goal right now is to lose about ten or fifteen pounds. Not necessarily because I need to, but because it will make me feel better about myself, and I know losing that little bit of weight is achievable. 

2. I will not drink soda.

   Before having Ryder, I rarely drank soda. I might would treat myself once a month, but I'd choose tea or water over soda. When I got pregnant, I drank soda all the time. With the new year, I'd like to break that habit again. I know that this will help me with my first goal as well.

3. I will drink more water.

   Have you ever heard of the gallon challenge? It is where you drink a gallon of water every day. It is harder than it sounds. I started trying to drink that much water a week ago, and I've had to work myself up to drinking that much water! I'm almost to the whole gallon on one day. Let me tell you, I feel amazing too. I'm not feeling as tired and lethargic as usual. I feel like my skin is more clear and healthy, and my milk supply is better than it has ever been since Ryder has been born.(:

4. I will be the best mother I can be.

   I did not write the "perfect mother" or the "mother who has her life together all the time." Growing up, my parents always encouraged me to do my best. Sometimes your best is not perfect, but as long as it's your best, it is good enough. I need to love Ryder more than anything, treat him with respect, and teach him by example. As long as I put Ryder's needs and wants above my own, I know that I will be a good mother.

5.  I want to live in the moment more.

   I want to hold my son tighter. I want to not complain when he cries for me to hold him. I want to cherish the time I spend with my family. I want to remember to pause and take in everything. Time changes things. People leave, grow up, get busy, and I want moments to remember when these inevitable changes happen.

   As this year goes by, if you follow me on a social media site, or you have my number, shoot me a message or a text and ask me how my resolutions are doing. Whether you know me personally or not. I hope this inspires you to make one or two goals of your own this year.(:

Happy 2015!

xx