I don't get angry, I am a very happy person. I am one of those people who can count on one hand the number of times that I've truly been angry. I look at the positive things in life. I am definitely a glass half full kind of person, and I love that I am. I love that I posses this character trait. I hope that Ryder, and any future children, will inherit my positive outlook on life.
But I find myself get angry, and sad, and hurt when I think about Ryder's father. Not necessarily for myself, but for my baby.
I just don't understand, and I don't think it is fair. I wonder why he hasn't asked about him. I wonder if he even knows his name. I wonder if he has been curious and looked at my Instagram or Facebook to see what his son looks like. Why do other people have things working out for them. I know people who would do anything for a baby, and he doesn't even care.
I look at my beautiful, perfect son, and I ache that he doesn't have a dad. I will sometimes start to cry because my sweet baby doesn't have a daddy. My son is an amazing little baby. He loves to sleep, he doesn't cry a lot, and he is completely healthy.
He has a perfect baby, and I wonder if he knows that.
It isn't fair to Ryder. Ryder didn't do anything to deserve this. He deserves a daddy. He deserves someone to hold him and love him. Someone to teach him how to throw a baseball. Someone to teach him how to be a man. Someone to teach him to be chivalrous and to be well-mannered. Ryder deserves a good, Godly man to be his daddy.
Yet he doesn't have that right now.
But I am his momma, and I love him so much. Yes, I have to change all the diapers. I have to get up when he cries. I have to hold him when he is fussy. If he doesn't feel good, I'm up with him all night. I also get all of his love. I get all his smiles and giggles. I get to hold him while he sleeps and watch him dream. I get to cuddle with him every single day, and I get to watch him grow. I get to be so proud.
But I hope that someday soon, I can share my son. I pray that a Godly man will come into our lives. I hope that someone who will love us will decide to take care of us. Hopefully I won't have to be the one to throw the baseball with him (although, I would love to, even if I'm really bad at it). Hopefully I won't have to be a substitute dad, but until then, I will gladly be just that.
My baby may not have an earthly father at the moment, but I hope that I always know that he has a Heavenly Father. I hope Ryder always turns to him, and I pray to him everyday to keep my baby safe and healthy. I hope that my baby never wonders whether or not he was wanted or not, because I wanted him. I wanted Ryder when I saw that first pink positive sign.
I wanted you. I will always want you. I love you more than anything.