An Easter Letter to my Baby

   I sit here on my bed and gently rock you. We've just gotten out of the shower. You have that amazing, clean baby smell. I need to put you down and get ready because it is Easter morning. You are supposed to look your best on Easter morning. That is why some people go to church, to show off their new Easter clothes and goodies. People actually wake up extra early to make sure they look extra good.

   I always have. I've always bought a new dress for Easter. I wake up on Easter morning and go check the Easter basket to see if the Easter bunny left anything good. My family had a really awesome Easter bunny growing up, in fact, I almost saw him once when I was about seven, but that is another story for another day. 

   You were fussy and hungry, so I fed you. You kept rubbing your eyes, and I knew you would fall asleep soon. My sister is playing some worship music in the other room while she is getting ready, so I'm just singing along with those. I've set my phone down, and I'm focused on you. You are just looking at me as I sing to you.

   I'm an awful singer. I can carry a tune, but that doesn't mean I can sing very well. As I sing you just take everything in. You love that I'm singing to you. You are slowly drifting off to my almost off key singing. As your eyelids become heavier every time you blink, I tear up. I'm sitting here with you, and you are the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. 

   You love me so much, and it doesn't matter that I can't sing. It doesn't matter that I have to get ready. It is Easter morning. This is the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the dead. We celebrate life today, and because of that life, you and I have life, little one. I am reminded that God gave you to me. God gave me a glimpse of His plan for me, to be a mother. I am your mother, and I love you so much.

   Jesus died on the cross for you, and he rose again three days later. I still need to get ready for church, but I think I'll just rock you a little bit longer and thank God for everything He has done. I hope that you grow to love Easter and everything that goes with it. I hope you look forward to the Easter bunny bringing your Easter basket, but I hope I never forget to teach you the real reason we have Easter. I hope that I always remind you of your Heavenly Father. 

   I'm thankful for mommy moments such as this. I'm overjoyed that I have you in my arms this Easter. Your first Easter of hopefully very many. Happy Easter my little one. Mommy loves you.

xx

No Longer a Secret

   I'm so excited for Easter. Easter is the time of year that calls for a new dress, and last year was no different.. except for the fact that I was pregnant. I had just found out I was pregnant this time last year. As I was trying on dresses, I was wondering what I'd look like with a big, pregnant belly. I had no idea I wouldn't even show till my third trimester. I had no idea whether I was having a boy or a girl, and only a handful of people knew I was even pregnant.

   I was already thinking of names, and I was trying not to worry or stress out too much. I was only about seven or eight weeks along. I wanted to see a doctor so badly so that I knew everything would be alright. I had no idea I'd be holding a perfectly healthy four month old a year later. I was more tired than usual, and I had no idea that growing a baby that was about the size of a speck was so tiring. 

   I finally found a beautiful cream dress, but the same night I bought it, someone stole it. I was so angry, and I was being so dramatic because I was so sad. I knew I would never find a dress as pretty, and I felt like I had thrown money down the drain. Then the next day I got a call, and as pregnancy brain would have it, I had left it in the Victoria's Secret changing room. 

   So I had a beautiful dress and a wonderful secret last year. Not everyone knew I was pregnant and all I could think about was how excited I was to make an Easter basket this year. I was thinking about how the Easter bunny would visit a baby the next year. I was wondering what kind of basket I would use, and what I would put in it. I would have to get a stuffed bunny whether I was having a boy or a girl. I'd get to buy an Easter outfit for a baby, and not just myself. I was so excited for right now.

   I have not been disappointed either. Easter is a little less than a month away, and I have Ryder's Easter basket almost ready. I'm just waiting on a few things to arrive in the mail. Once those arrive, I'll be able to put his basket together. Then on Easter morning, the Easter bunny will put his basket out for him to find. I have a little outfit for Sunday morning, and I have a lounge Easter outfit for him as well. 

   Christmas was fun, but Ryder was so little that he didn't really understand the excitement. He was still so new. Next Christmas will be a lot of fun (and so different)! Ryder might be walking by then, which is so hard to even imagine! So I feel like this is Ryder's first real holiday.

   Easter is going to be so cool. Ryder is grabbing at toys, and gets excited about things now. I got him some more wooden toys, a romper, a bunny, and books. I might have added some dark chocolate as well (for me, of course!). It will be awesome to see Ryder smile as I show him his toys on Easter morning. 

   It is becoming harder and harder to imagine I grew this little babe of mine. That a year ago, Easter was approaching, and this beautiful baby boy was only a secret. I look at Ryder, and I see a miracle. The miracle of life. I see a baby that spent nine months growing inside of me. I've been thanking God so much for placing Ryder in my life. This time last year, I was feeling so many emotions. Now looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what He was doing. 

xx

No Place I'd Rather Be

   My last few posts have not been very happy posts, so I think it is time for a good post. I've cut out coffee, well caffeine. I've been drinking fully decaf coffees and a little bit of sweet tea. I've been trying to drink more water. I started out the year really well, I was drinking almost a gallon a day. That was one of my resolutions, so I am making that resolution again. 

   The cool thing about resolutions is that you can start one at anytime. I am drinking more water again, and I feel immensely better. You can blame it on positive thinking if you'd like, but since I decided to give up caffeine and drink more water a few days ago, I've been happier. The weather is still cool and dreary, but my mood is not. 

   If you have any resolutions that you've drifted away from, maybe now is the time to make them again. Maybe it is time to change your resolutions or make new ones. 

   Another resolution I'm adding is that I've decided to put my phone down when my baby needs me. I've decided to hold and cherish my baby because he is the best thing to ever happen to me. There are babies out there who don't get loved on, and I don't want Ryder to ever feel like that.

   I am his mother. If Ryder needs me, I will be there. I will not let my baby cry, not because I'm spoiling him, but because he is a baby who needs his mother. When babies cry, something is wrong. That is how they communicate. When my baby needs his mother, he will have her because I know that is what is best for my child.

   I shower my baby in love, because how can I not? When I see this baby of mine smiling, it makes me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. When I see my baby sleeping, that peaceful look just melts me. I will do anything to keep my baby safe. I am his protector. I want him to never be fearful of going to sleep. 

   I'll be cleaning or doing something, and I'll look over at Ryder and he will be watching me. He just watches me, and as a four month old, I know he already admires me and looks up to me. I am responsible for this beautiful, sweet child. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be the best mother I can be. 

   So my resolutions are to drink more water, and love my baby more. A little less than what I started the year with, but two things I can put all my energy into. They shouldn't be too hard, especially the second one since my heart literally overflows with love for my son.

There's no place I'd rather be.

xx

Here We Are Now

   You were restless last night my little one. I'm not quite sure why, but i do know neither of us got much sleep. After the sun came up, I was hoping we could sleep in after such a restless night, but then I heard you coo. You've started making noise and "talking." I thought maybe you were dreaming, but then you gently coo some more. I turn over to look at you and the biggest smile appears.

   I didn't think you'd be such a happy baby after a sleepless night, but you never cease to surprise me. I lay next to you and watch you smile at me as if to say good morning. I have never been a morning person, but I don't find it hard to get up as much anymore. You've given my life meaning. You've given me a reason to wake up in the morning. 

   These first few months have been a learning experience. You are my first child, and you teach me something new every day. It is amazing how much you have changed me. You've taught me to be patient, kind, and tough.

   I've never been an unbearable impatient person, but I've had my moments. You've taught me that things will happen when they happen. I can't just get up and go anywhere anymore. It is a process. I usually make sure you are ready first, and then I start getting ready. I usually have to feed you once while I'm getting ready. I have to make sure the diaper bag is ready to go, and hopefully you haven't spit up or pooped out during this time. 

   I am more patient with time as well. I love the now. I cherish the time I have with you while you are four months old. I miss the newborn days, but I'm not gonna spend my time wishing for those days back (hopefully you'll have brothers and sisters and I'll experience those days again.) I'm also so excited for you to start laughing, and I am excited to watch you grow. I don't want to rush things though. Now you are four months old. Now you are smiling, and sleeping, and wanting me to hold you close. I am content with the now.

   Kindness makes such a difference. I try to be kind to everyone I meet now. I've had difficult days, but I remember that fellow mom that gave me that encouraging smile. Those people who told me I was doing a great job right when I needed to hear it. We all have our hard days. That little bit of kindness could give someone the strength to keep going. 

   I've been so blessed by the kindness of others. I don't think I realized how kind people could be until you were born. Having you on my own was not an easy nor ideal task, but I'm not really alone. I have an amazing family who have changed their lives to help you and me. I have friends who love you as well. I want to pass that kindness on. People have been so kind to us, how could I not pass it on.

   I would never have considered myself tough, until you came along. Having a little, innocent baby has made me a momma bear, and no one messes with my baby. I've learned to say, "no." I have realized I can't please everyone, and I don't try to anymore. Ryder, you are my top priority now. I have to take care of you, and make sure you are happy. I'm thankful you have taught me to stand up for you and for myself.

  I hope I can teach you these attributes as you grow. Every day is a new day for us. Our days now consist of holding you close, breastfeeding, smiling, changing diapers, and wearing you. I love our days now. 

   Little baby of mine, as you drift to sleep in my arms, I go through the days. I'm ready to go to bed, but when I go to lay you down, you start suckling again. I don't mind though. I love holding you close to me more than anything. I know you won't always fall asleep while I hold you. 

This is my life now.

This is motherhood.

This is all I've ever wanted.

xx

Life with a Three Month Old

   Let me just say, I love my baby more and more as time goes by. I don't know how my love grows for him, because I love him with everything already. It truly is amazing. Ryder had his two month checkup (even though he is already three months, I know, I'm an awful mother) and he got his two month shots.

   He did so well. He did not cry a lot, only when they stuck him. Poor baby, he was given a little bit of baby Tylenol, and between the Tylenol and the shots, Ryder slept more than usual. When he woke up and became fussy because the Tylenol had wore off, I gave him a bit more. Let me tell you, I've never seen such a look of betrayal on my son's face. He did not like being given Tylenol at all. 

   He is growing up so well. He is 24.5 inches long, and he weighs 13 pounds and 14 ounces. He is roughly in the 50th percentile. I can tell he is starting to get chunky. He is still exclusively breastfeeding, and it is so encouraging to know that he is right on track with his weight and height. 

   Ryder loves sleeping, especially on his stomach. I'm a stomach sleeper, so I can't blame him, but I can't sleep when he is on his tummy because it scares me. Babies aren't supposed to really sleep on their stomach. I can't wait till he is rolling on his own and rolls onto his stomach, then it won't worry me as much.

   It is so cool seeing my baby grow. He is literally growing before my very eyes. He has started looking at things and studying them. He is noticing his toys and his hands. It is so awesome seeing him realize that his toy is there. He loves his hands in his mouth, and he gets better at getting them there every day.

   He is fitting into 3-6 month clothing the best, although he can wear 3 month still, and 6 month too. It is so hard to think that this little baby of mine used to fit inside me. I carried this child in my stomach for nine months, and now here he is. It is insane to look at him and know that I created him. I've said things like that before, and I'm sure that as he gets older, it will get harder and harder to believe. 

   I love having a 3 month old, even though I miss my small, precious newborn. I'm excited for what is to come, I know it is going to be a whirlwind from now on. I can definitely wait for him to grow up, because I love the now. I'm gonna miss him being so little, but I am so excited. 

xx

Growing Pains

   It is four in the morning and Ryder has been asleep since eleven. I am waiting for him to wake up. You may think I'm crazy, waiting for my baby to wake up. I lay him down in his crib for the first time in his eleven week old life. That is where he is currently sleeping at this moment.

   I have been waiting for him to wake up because I knew that he would not like his crib. I knew he would wake up and wonder where his mother is. He would awake yearning for my closeness and familiarity. I have been watching him like a hawk since he fell asleep five hours ago. I wanted to be there when he woke up. I did not expect him to go down for the night.

   My baby is growing up before my very eyes. I am making myself sit here on my bed. I keep wanting to pick him up and cuddle and nurse him back to sleep. Just the other day I was talking about how he had to be nursed to sleep. Of course only days later would I lay him in his crib to instantly fall asleep at a decent time for a full night's sleep.

   I must be crazy, being one of the only mother's complaining about having a perfect baby. I know right now there are mothers rocking there crying babes. There are mothers with babies who are teething, who are sick, who have to be held. I know that those mothers are probably exhausted and just praying for a moment of sleep. 

   Being a mother is a hard job, but it is rewarding. I hope those mothers that are up right now hold there babies tight tonight. I hope that while they are praying for that moment of sleep, that they are also praying for their little baby. Thanking God for the opportunity to be their momma. Thanking Him for what is hopefully one of the best things that ever happened to them.

   I know this is the one of many moments that will make me wish time would slow down. I'm sure Ryder will wake up in another hour or so to eat, and I am eagerly waiting to hold and nurture him. Tonight might be a fluke, and I might not get him to sleep in the crib again for awhile. If that happens, I will be just fine. I will also be just fine if he decides he loves his crib. I'm proud of my baby, and I always will be. I will be just fine being his momma.

xx

Ryder's First Christmas

   Ryder had his first Christmas this year. It was the best Christmas I've ever had! It is hard to believe that last Christmas, I had no idea Ryder would be here. Last year, my life was on a totally different path, but I'll save that for another post. I would never have imagined having a baby by this Christmas, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

   Ryder hit two months on Christmas Eve. He has become so alert, and loves to watch everything that's going on. He is starting to regularly smile and lift his head up. He won't remember his first Christmas, but I always will. 

   With Ryder being so little, I didn't personally do much this year. I did, however, take in all the different ideas and traditions that others have. Next Christmas will be a lot of fun because Ryder will kind of have an idea of what's going on. I will probably start a tradition or two next year for my little family.(:

Christmas Eve real life, Ryder did not want to be lain down at all the night before Christmas.  

   If Christmas is your favorite time of year, and you don't have any babies yet, just wait. I've always loved Christmas, but now that I get to share the magic of it with my son, I absolutely adore Christmas. I'm so excited for the years to come! I'm excited to have Santa Clause, Christmas lights, a Christmas tree, Christmas Jammies, and so much more.

Mean muggin on Christmas Eve, is he not the most adorable baby??(:

   I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas, and I hope everyone with new babies took it all in and just etched the memories in their mind. I hope everyone took too many pictures, and had too much fun. I hope you spent too much time with family, and spent a little too much money on presents. I hope everyone ate too much good food, and took too many naps. I hope you all shared too much love and cuddles, and gave one too many smiles to a stranger.(:

Merry Christmas from my little family.(:

xx

Eight Weeks and Responsibility

   Eight weeks feels like forever and yet it feels like no time at all. It seems like I just brought my baby home from the hospital yesterday. I cannot believe Ryder is eight weeks old. My little lanky baby is growing everyday. 

   When I say eight weeks seems like forever, I mean that I can't imagine my life without Ryder. I was happy before this little baby came into my life, but I don't understand how. I don't understand what I was doing before having this little baby. This baby that God gave me is my everything and makes me want to wake up every morning.

   He is smiling now, all the time. He reminds me of Toothless the dragon from How to Train your Dragon. He is lifting his head like a champ. He doesn't need help anymore unless he is tired, then his head starts flip flopping a bit. He grabs things now, such as my clothes and hair (ouch!). He is so aware, and he just takes everything in.

   He looks at me like I'm his world. I will be doing something, and I'll glance over, and he will just be looking at me. He will be studying me, and it just make me feel so proud and happy. It also reminds me of the responsibility I now have as a parent. Proverbs 22:6 states, "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 

   I have such a serious little boy!

   I am this little boy's mother. He will watch me as he grows up. He will be a mini me, and a mini of whomever he grows up around. He will see how I act and handle situations, and he will more than likely act and handle situations similarly as he grows and matures. 

   I pray I will always remember that, and that I will be a good role model for Ryder. I pray Ryder continues to be healthy. I'm so thankful for my baby boy.<3

xx

PS I'm sorry for my almost two week blog hiatus. It is a busy time with Christmas approaching. ONLY FIVE MORE DAYS !!! 

  

Six Weeks Post-Partem

   I had my doctor appoinment today. It was so weird being back after not going for so long. I am officially four pounds under pre-pregnancy weight (go me!). Now to just keep that weight off! I am healthy and everything looks good. I have felt awesome, so I would have been surprised if everything hadn't been good. 

   Ryder has hit the six week mark, and is growing like no other. He has learned so many new things lately. Because he is going through a growth spurt, he wants to eat all the time. Every two hours (sometimes less) he is hungry and wants to eat, and nothing else will do till he gets some food, otherwise, he is an extremely happy baby.

   Ryder has started holding his head up, grasping, and smiling. He still needs help when he holds his head up, because he gets tired after a short amount of time. He has really started grasping, like if I go to lay him down, he will have a handful of my short or hair. He does not like to loosen his grip either! My favorite thing he has learned is that smile of his. I am just a puddle on the floor when he smiles at me. His smile is like telling me that I'm doing something right. I adore it!<3

   Six weeks into parenthood and I'm still loving it. Things are so good, and let me be real for a bit. There are things about parenthood that are not fun, and are a little stressful. The other day, Ryder decided he was hungry while he was in the car. He cried almost the whole way home and I felt so bad. It wasn't a long ride, but it still tugs on my heart strings. Being a mom is such a responsibility, but it is also the best thing in this entire world. I love him so much! 

xx

   

Five Weeks and Change

   Ryder is a little over five weeks old. He is getting so big so fast! I took him to the doctor today because he has been congested, and got his stats. He is 10 lbs. and 7 oz. and 22 and 1/4 in. long!! It makes me so proud that he is growing so much!

   

   This picture made me want to cry though! This is a four week difference. I did not think that there would be so much change in four weeks, but oh my goodness!! He stretches out now and he plumped out just a bit. 

   

   He just started smiling the other day! The day before Thanksgiving, he smiled on purpose for the first time. I haven't caught it on camera yet, but I'm sure I will soon.(: He is also holding up his head so well. I am gonna have to get the bumbo seat out soon and see if he likes it.(: 

   I'm so excited for Ryder's first Christmas! I just put up a Christmas list post up before this one, and I'll be putting up a gift guide of sorts tomorrow (I promise, it is already written, I just have to detail it and finish it up!!)

xx

Swaddling and Burritos

   Disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with burritos, except that when you swaddle a baby, they look like a burrito!(:

   I am about to lay down with Ryder and go to sleep. It is freezing tonight, and I knew that I needed to make sure Ryder was all snug and cozy. So I put on his sleeper and a hat, then I got his swaddle blanket out and wrapped him up. I laid him down to go get a glass of water and I heard very unhappy crying. I rushed back to Ryder and picked him up. He wouldn't stop crying. Finally I let his arms out of his swaddle blanket and he was instantly happy.

(He looks unhappy in this picture, but he wasn't for long. I freed his hands after taking the picture, and he was happy as a clam!)

  Babies love to be swaddled. That is what I read on every single website and blog anyway. I may or may not have looked up tutorials on the best ways to swaddle a baby. I was excited to have a little baby burrito.

   Guess what. My baby didn't get the memo about being swaddled. He let me swaddle him maybe a week or so after he was born. He likes to move his hands and arms around. He likes to be free, not bundled. Ryder crushed my dreams of having a baby burrito.

   One thing I've realized though is that my baby isn't just another baby. I can't go off of all the websites and books. Ryder is a little person who at one week old already had likes and dislikes. 

   Every now and again I'll think about how I can't wait for Ryder to get a little bit older. I can't wait to see his personality grow, but then I realize he already has a personality. Which I still can't wait to see him grow, but I am definitely taking him all in at the moment. 

   Not all babies are alike, and maybe my next baby will like being swaddled (because I have some mad swaddling skills, and I'd hate for them to go to waste!). So don't expect your baby to be one way or the other, because they are already little people that can prove you wrong. 

   And this is one of the blog posts telling future and current mothers that your baby may not like being swaddled. Hopefully you won't be as crushed as I was, ha.(:

xx