Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I Was There Once Too

   It is amazing how far I've come. The only people who really know the journey I've been on is my family. 

   You hear people joke about how they put their parents through the ringer, well for me, it wasn't a joke. It is true that you realise how good you had it when you grow up. As a 21 year old mother of my own little boy, I look back and wish I could have made it easier for my parents. 

   When I was 14 years old, I started cutting. I just wanted to know what it was like to cut. Then I realised that people let me do whatever I want when they saw my arm. So I used it to my advantage. I could stop whenever I wanted, but I loved seeing people's reactions when I was such a seemingly happy girl. Depression slowly creeped in and I contemplated suicide once or twice. 

   I was always scared to die though. I knew it would be a selfish thing to do. I thank God that He gave me that fear. I stopped cutting for a good bit of time during high school. I was genuinely happy during my sophomore and junior year of high school, but then the depression crept back in. 

   My senior year was a hard year for me. Outwardly it was fine, but my inner struggles were a battle. I started cutting again and had no desire to do anything. I felt like I had no real friends and I had to fight to keep the darkness from taking over again. 

   I was so happy to graduate, and I decided to leave home and go to a new state. I decided to live in a place where I knew no one. I could start over. While I was there, the devil was determined to discourage me again. I had a good first semester of college, but by the end of the first semester, I wanted to go home. I even packed my bags and began driving home. I missed my family, and my mom found out she was pregnant while I was away at college. That added to my desire to come home. I wasn't there for my mom, and that was so hard for me. 

   To make matters worse, a girl told lies about me to the college for reasons that I will probably never know. Because of those lies, I had to go to counselling and almost got kicked out. I thought a year away from home would help me so much, yet the opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been and the cutting started again. 

   I was so much better when I got home. I stopped cutting, and started to finally mend myself. I started winning the battles with depression I had. Not all of them, but some of them. I started going out and drinking every now and again though. I also started smoking cigarettes. I started going out more and more, and then came the day that I found out I was pregnant. The path I was going down came to an abrupt change.

   2014 was the year I decided to change my life, but I had no idea it would change as much as it did. The day after New Years I got a tattoo on my arm, over the scars where I'd regularly cut. Infragilis et Tenera. It's Latin for unbreakable and fragile. I realised that I was unbreakable, I am strong. I can win the battle with depression. God is on my side, and He is the only reason I've made it this far. He will continue to be my strength, but I'm still fragile. I can't just be reckless, and do whatever I want.

   I had no idea the change God had in plan for me. I found out I was pregnant the day after Valentine's Day. The partying had to stop, and my life needed to change. That wasn't as hard for me to do as I thought it would have been. I would have never chosen to have Ryder when I did, yet at the same time, God had perfect timing and knew exactly what it would take for me to get my life on track. 

   I am in no way saying that if your life needs change that a baby is a solution. But for me, it was. Ryder changed my life for the better. Since becoming pregnant, I have not been depressed like I used to be, neither have I cut. Now I can truly look back and see what hurt and pain I put everyone around me in. I would have done things differently if I could. I would not have started cutting. I would not have put my parents through the worry that I now know they must've suffered. I would not have left home for a year.

   I also realise that everything has happened for a reason. When I moved from home, it was one of the worse years, but I became closer to my mom than I had been for a long time. I realise that my depression has made me stronger because I've learned how to deal with it. Hopefully the things I've done and gone through give me the actual experience to help someone else. Maybe I can help someone not make the decisions I did make. I can relate to some people in ways others can't because of some of my experiences. 

   I've come such a long way. I am nothing like I used to be. I have gone through more than most people know about, and I am proud of where I am now. I am proud that I've had trials that I've overcome. I hope that my children make better choices than I did. I hope my siblings see the mistakes I made and make better choices. I hope that anyone who reads this realises that everyone has their own battles that they are fighting through, but that it is possible that someone is fighting a battle very similar to yours. Others have made it through the bad stuff. 

   I am 21 years old and I love my life. I could not imagine my life how it is now as a 14 year old girl. If I could go back and tell that 14 year old girl about how much she had to look forward to, maybe things would have been easier. Life truly does get better. When you are at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Push through whatever it is you are going through, you'll be thankful you did, I promise.



  1. Thank you for sharing your story! It takes a ton of courage to put yourself out there like that. I can tell that your experiences have made you a stronger person and an incredible mama! Everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that!

  2. That took strength and courage to write. I am proud of you & Ryder is/will be too. Great job, momma! 💜