I started work this past week. I only worked two days, but I'm very torn about it. It was nice getting back into work. I am a barista, so I make coffee. I love it, I love coffee, and making lattes and cappuccinos. I also consider some of my coworkers some of my very best friends.
On the other hand, I really miss my baby. Also, so much changes in 12 weeks (that is how long maternity leave is in Florida). Many people quit and found new jobs, and they hired quite a few new people. I don't know everyone there anymore, and after not working for almost three months, I have to get back into the swing of things.
If I could, I'd be a stay at home mom. That is my biggest wish. If you asked me what I wanted to be when I was younger, I would have told you that I wanted to be a mom. In high school, I wrote my vocation paper on being a stay at home mom.
My mom was a stay at home mom till I was 17 years old, and I loved it. I loved knowing my mom was there for me whenever I needed her. My mom stayed at home with five kids under the age of eight way back when. That truly amazes me, and I want a chance to be able to do that (maybe not with that many kids that young though!). I don't know how my mom did that, bless her!
I know that if I had done things differently, I might be a stay at home mom instead of a working mom. Now that I've started working again, I think about that a lot. Sometimes it makes me a little sad. Things happen for a reason though, and it is just making me trust in God more. Psalm 145:18-19 says,"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; He heard their cries and saves them."
God fulfills the desires of our hearts if we ask Him. I take comfort knowing that He knows what I want more than anything right now. Now I just need to trust in Him to take care of it in His own timing. That isn't the easiest thing to do right now, so I'm constantly having to remind myself to just keep on doing my what I know is the best thing to do for my son and I.
I hope that I don't have to work Ryder's entire life. I pray that I can be a mother who stays at home while he is little eventually, whether it is a year from now, or five years from now. I know that I am doing what is best right now in working. I'm making money to support my child and I. I am doing what I have to do in order to provide for my little family.
I have a new respect for working mothers and single mothers. I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. It is hard to be a working, single mother, especially when you'd like for it to be different. I know there are other mothers who have similar feelings, and know you aren't alone. I know mothers who have felt like this, and they are proof to me that it will get better, it just takes time.
xx
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