I don't get angry, I am a very happy person. I am one of those people who can count on one hand the number of times that I've truly been angry. I look at the positive things in life. I am definitely a glass half full kind of person, and I love that I am. I love that I posses this character trait. I hope that Ryder, and any future children, will inherit my positive outlook on life.
But I find myself get angry, and sad, and hurt when I think about Ryder's father. Not necessarily for myself, but for my baby.
I just don't understand, and I don't think it is fair. I wonder why he hasn't asked about him. I wonder if he even knows his name. I wonder if he has been curious and looked at my Instagram or Facebook to see what his son looks like. Why do other people have things working out for them. I know people who would do anything for a baby, and he doesn't even care.
I look at my beautiful, perfect son, and I ache that he doesn't have a dad. I will sometimes start to cry because my sweet baby doesn't have a daddy. My son is an amazing little baby. He loves to sleep, he doesn't cry a lot, and he is completely healthy.
He has a perfect baby, and I wonder if he knows that.
It isn't fair to Ryder. Ryder didn't do anything to deserve this. He deserves a daddy. He deserves someone to hold him and love him. Someone to teach him how to throw a baseball. Someone to teach him how to be a man. Someone to teach him to be chivalrous and to be well-mannered. Ryder deserves a good, Godly man to be his daddy.
Yet he doesn't have that right now.
But I am his momma, and I love him so much. Yes, I have to change all the diapers. I have to get up when he cries. I have to hold him when he is fussy. If he doesn't feel good, I'm up with him all night. I also get all of his love. I get all his smiles and giggles. I get to hold him while he sleeps and watch him dream. I get to cuddle with him every single day, and I get to watch him grow. I get to be so proud.
But I hope that someday soon, I can share my son. I pray that a Godly man will come into our lives. I hope that someone who will love us will decide to take care of us. Hopefully I won't have to be the one to throw the baseball with him (although, I would love to, even if I'm really bad at it). Hopefully I won't have to be a substitute dad, but until then, I will gladly be just that.
My baby may not have an earthly father at the moment, but I hope that I always know that he has a Heavenly Father. I hope Ryder always turns to him, and I pray to him everyday to keep my baby safe and healthy. I hope that my baby never wonders whether or not he was wanted or not, because I wanted him. I wanted Ryder when I saw that first pink positive sign.
I wanted you. I will always want you. I love you more than anything.
Your post resonates with me so much. I've been following you in Instagram for some time now and I must say- girl, you've got this.
ReplyDeleteRyder doesn't need a father who doesn't want to be in his life. I had my "dad" in my life for nearly eighteen years and then he dropped my sisters and me like hot potatoes. He blames it on us but now at 27, I realize we are much better off. My mother married a man who has been my real dad for 10 years. He is now my son's "grumpy" and he is the best role model of a man I've ever met.
It took nearly 17 years for my mom to gift my sisters and me with a wonderful daddy, and it feels like he's been here forever. He knows more about us than our biological father does.
It'll get better. And Ryder will thank you for being such a strong woman for him. It'll teach him how to be a good man and treat a woman when he gets older! (Crazy to think about, but so true)
All my positive vibes go to you, little mama. We are all in this together.