Today I just have a cloud of dread following me around. I'm not sad or in a bad mood or anything, but I can't shake the dread I feel right now. I am off today, so I don't have to go to work today. I still keep checking the time to see if I need to get ready for work though. I keep having to remind myself I am off today.
I've written about having to work before, and I will probably talk about it again in the future as well. I don't want to be a working mom, but sometimes you have to do what is best for you and your child. What is best for my child right now is working.
Since I've gone back to work, I've realized a few things. I'm going to have to really go back to work. I've been working shorter hours, which isn't gonna fly if I want to be a responsible adult. I'm going to have to start working more, which is so ominous in my life right now. The few short hours I work is already hard enough.
I've also realized that being a single mother is hard. It is going to be hard. I will always have this pull. The want to provide for my child and the want to spend time with my child. This is only going to become harder for me the older he gets.
My one wish is to be a stay at home momma. The one thing I've ever really been so sure about is that fact. The fact that I want to be a stay at home mother. It is really hard that the one thing I want more than anything is the one thing that I really can't do right now.
Every day I think about when I need to work next. Even on my days off, I think about when I am going to have to work again. I struggle to put my baby down, because I'm gonna have to go to work and leave him for a few hours. I know that, honestly, I'm not missing too much, especially not now. I know that it isn't a big deal, but it is to me.
I hope that one day I will get my wish. I pray that circumstances will play out so that I will have the opportunity to one day be a stay at home mom and take care of Ryder, and maybe even some more kids. Right now I will hold my child close to me, and try to fight this dread away. Today is my day off and that is all that matters right now. I get to be with my baby all day today.
I want to end this by saying that I have so much respect for single mothers. In my mind I don't consider myself a single mother. I just don't like those words together. They don't belong together. I guess I'm in a sort of denial, but I am a single mother. I understand how hard it is to be a single mother. It makes me sad that there are other single mothers out there, but I hope that we can lift each other up and encourage one another.
If you know a single mother, tell them they are doing a good job. It is amazing to hear those words from someone, whether a friend or acquaintance.
It is our job, my job, to be an encouragement to one another. Oh, and that dread, shake it off.