I Was There Once Too

   It is amazing how far I've come. The only people who really know the journey I've been on is my family. 

   You hear people joke about how they put their parents through the ringer, well for me, it wasn't a joke. It is true that you realise how good you had it when you grow up. As a 21 year old mother of my own little boy, I look back and wish I could have made it easier for my parents. 

   When I was 14 years old, I started cutting. I just wanted to know what it was like to cut. Then I realised that people let me do whatever I want when they saw my arm. So I used it to my advantage. I could stop whenever I wanted, but I loved seeing people's reactions when I was such a seemingly happy girl. Depression slowly creeped in and I contemplated suicide once or twice. 

   I was always scared to die though. I knew it would be a selfish thing to do. I thank God that He gave me that fear. I stopped cutting for a good bit of time during high school. I was genuinely happy during my sophomore and junior year of high school, but then the depression crept back in. 

   My senior year was a hard year for me. Outwardly it was fine, but my inner struggles were a battle. I started cutting again and had no desire to do anything. I felt like I had no real friends and I had to fight to keep the darkness from taking over again. 

   I was so happy to graduate, and I decided to leave home and go to a new state. I decided to live in a place where I knew no one. I could start over. While I was there, the devil was determined to discourage me again. I had a good first semester of college, but by the end of the first semester, I wanted to go home. I even packed my bags and began driving home. I missed my family, and my mom found out she was pregnant while I was away at college. That added to my desire to come home. I wasn't there for my mom, and that was so hard for me. 

   To make matters worse, a girl told lies about me to the college for reasons that I will probably never know. Because of those lies, I had to go to counselling and almost got kicked out. I thought a year away from home would help me so much, yet the opposite happened. I was more depressed than I had ever been and the cutting started again. 

   I was so much better when I got home. I stopped cutting, and started to finally mend myself. I started winning the battles with depression I had. Not all of them, but some of them. I started going out and drinking every now and again though. I also started smoking cigarettes. I started going out more and more, and then came the day that I found out I was pregnant. The path I was going down came to an abrupt change.

   2014 was the year I decided to change my life, but I had no idea it would change as much as it did. The day after New Years I got a tattoo on my arm, over the scars where I'd regularly cut. Infragilis et Tenera. It's Latin for unbreakable and fragile. I realised that I was unbreakable, I am strong. I can win the battle with depression. God is on my side, and He is the only reason I've made it this far. He will continue to be my strength, but I'm still fragile. I can't just be reckless, and do whatever I want.

   I had no idea the change God had in plan for me. I found out I was pregnant the day after Valentine's Day. The partying had to stop, and my life needed to change. That wasn't as hard for me to do as I thought it would have been. I would have never chosen to have Ryder when I did, yet at the same time, God had perfect timing and knew exactly what it would take for me to get my life on track. 

   I am in no way saying that if your life needs change that a baby is a solution. But for me, it was. Ryder changed my life for the better. Since becoming pregnant, I have not been depressed like I used to be, neither have I cut. Now I can truly look back and see what hurt and pain I put everyone around me in. I would have done things differently if I could. I would not have started cutting. I would not have put my parents through the worry that I now know they must've suffered. I would not have left home for a year.

   I also realise that everything has happened for a reason. When I moved from home, it was one of the worse years, but I became closer to my mom than I had been for a long time. I realise that my depression has made me stronger because I've learned how to deal with it. Hopefully the things I've done and gone through give me the actual experience to help someone else. Maybe I can help someone not make the decisions I did make. I can relate to some people in ways others can't because of some of my experiences. 

   I've come such a long way. I am nothing like I used to be. I have gone through more than most people know about, and I am proud of where I am now. I am proud that I've had trials that I've overcome. I hope that my children make better choices than I did. I hope my siblings see the mistakes I made and make better choices. I hope that anyone who reads this realises that everyone has their own battles that they are fighting through, but that it is possible that someone is fighting a battle very similar to yours. Others have made it through the bad stuff. 

   I am 21 years old and I love my life. I could not imagine my life how it is now as a 14 year old girl. If I could go back and tell that 14 year old girl about how much she had to look forward to, maybe things would have been easier. Life truly does get better. When you are at the bottom, the only way to go is up. Push through whatever it is you are going through, you'll be thankful you did, I promise.

xx

Kindness and Confidence

   Lately, I've been going through the day and hitting bumps in the road. I'm a very positive person, and I see the good in life. I find a reason to be happy, except discouragement has been creeping up on me. In the back of my head are these thoughts that I can't shake. 

   I have felt stuck. I haven't been writing, and I've been dreading going to work. I'm content with my life, yet I want something. I seem to be complaining throughout the day. I hate complaining (and how ironic because that is a complaint!). I am one of those people that feel like if you are gonna complain, do something about it.

   So I've decided to do just that. I'm gonna work on those things I've been complaining about. I'm going to become the best me that I can be. I'm gonna lose this extra baby weight and become a girl that has her life together. 

   My sister and I are starting this diet, except I hope it will become more than a diet. I am starting a lifestyle. I'm cutting out soda, sugar, carbs, and junk food. We are going to become healthy and fit. We are going to encourage each other and remind each other to love ourselves and our bodies. 

   I'm planning out my next year. I'm going to start keeping lists again, and crossing things off those lists. I'm going to make goals and fulfill those goals. 

   I'm realizing that I am strong. I'm going to remind myself that I am an amazing person that has done and will do amazing things. I will remind myself that my body has grown a child, has birthed a child, and is still sustaining my child. I've got to take care of my body and be confident. 

  I'm gonna remind myself that kindness is a big deal. It means so much to hear that I'm doing a good job. It means so much to hear a stranger tell me I look good for having a baby. I can't stop smiling when someone tells me I look good on a bad day. I remember those moments as the days go on and I talk about those strangers and am so thankful for their kind words.

   I want to keep that kindness moving forward. I want to compliment strangers and friends. I want to remind my family I love them. I'm going to try to be kind to myself as well. Kindness is key, and my short term goal for right now is kindness and confidence. 

   xx

Diaper Bag at Five and a Half Months

   I love seeing what is in people's purses, backpacks, and diaper bags. Maybe I'm just a really nosy person, but I think you can tell something's about a person by the contents of their bag. I decided that after 5 1/2 months, I've got this diaper bag thing down, except for when I forgot to replace the extra clothes in the diaper bag, Ryder ended up wearing a diaper and a beanie till we got to Ross. In a positive light, Ryder got a really cute, new outfit!

   I use my Vera Bradley diaper bag. It is awesome, everything fits, it is easy to carry, and it is stylish. I also have matching accessories, which is pretty awesome. I have the bottle holder, the paci holder, the baby blanket, and the key chain!(: Now, onto the contents!

I have diapers and wipes (duh!), we use Pampers, because it is the best for us. I also have little bags to put clothes on when Ryder has a blowout.

Neat cheeks (a new and awesome product) to wipe Ryder's face, they have a sweet flavor (which is so much better than wipes!) and they aren't sticky (ig - @theneatcheeks). And a pack of Kleenex.

I always have an extra outfit (ig's - pants-@joyaltee, tank onesie-@littleurbanapparel) , extra socks, and extra beanie (ig - @twolittlekings). His paci is MAM brand, and the clip is leather with his name on it, made by @coconutrobot on ig.

Toys are a must now, especially with Ryder getting older and needing more to keep him entertained. He loves his wooden teeter fox (from @bannortoys on ig) and his fox lovey (from Carter's). 

I have to nursing covers, one of them doubles as a seat cover, and both work as scarves. The flowered one comes from @coveredgoods on ig, and the gray with triangles comes from @kismetlovecollection on ig. They both work as a makeshift blanket or mat as well. Although I always have at least one blanket, usually Ryder's personalized one from @kennedyscollection on ig.

I have a thing of mascara (Rimmel brand just from Walgreens) and a perfume rolly ball (Tease from VS). Lip balm is a must, I love my eos lip balm.

I almost always have at least two nursing necklaces, which are both from @mamaandlittle on ig. They are seriously the best thing. They are cute and Ryder loves them!

Last, but not least, my ring sling frond Sakura Bloom (ig - @lovesakurabloom). I love my ring sling, and I don't know what I'd do without it. It is so much easier than hauling Ryder around in his seat. And it fits perfectly in my bag, which is awesome.

   Hope you enjoyed seeing what was in Ryder's bag. I also usually have a water bottle, some kind of snack, my wallet (which is also Vera Bradley), and another onesie (for safe measure). Hand sanitizer and changing pad are connected to the actual bag. Sophie the Giraffe also makes its way in their most of the time, so it varies with time, but this is the usual.

Is there anything you use that I don't have and should, let me know!! I am always up for suggestions!(:

An Easter Letter to my Baby

   I sit here on my bed and gently rock you. We've just gotten out of the shower. You have that amazing, clean baby smell. I need to put you down and get ready because it is Easter morning. You are supposed to look your best on Easter morning. That is why some people go to church, to show off their new Easter clothes and goodies. People actually wake up extra early to make sure they look extra good.

   I always have. I've always bought a new dress for Easter. I wake up on Easter morning and go check the Easter basket to see if the Easter bunny left anything good. My family had a really awesome Easter bunny growing up, in fact, I almost saw him once when I was about seven, but that is another story for another day. 

   You were fussy and hungry, so I fed you. You kept rubbing your eyes, and I knew you would fall asleep soon. My sister is playing some worship music in the other room while she is getting ready, so I'm just singing along with those. I've set my phone down, and I'm focused on you. You are just looking at me as I sing to you.

   I'm an awful singer. I can carry a tune, but that doesn't mean I can sing very well. As I sing you just take everything in. You love that I'm singing to you. You are slowly drifting off to my almost off key singing. As your eyelids become heavier every time you blink, I tear up. I'm sitting here with you, and you are the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. 

   You love me so much, and it doesn't matter that I can't sing. It doesn't matter that I have to get ready. It is Easter morning. This is the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the dead. We celebrate life today, and because of that life, you and I have life, little one. I am reminded that God gave you to me. God gave me a glimpse of His plan for me, to be a mother. I am your mother, and I love you so much.

   Jesus died on the cross for you, and he rose again three days later. I still need to get ready for church, but I think I'll just rock you a little bit longer and thank God for everything He has done. I hope that you grow to love Easter and everything that goes with it. I hope you look forward to the Easter bunny bringing your Easter basket, but I hope I never forget to teach you the real reason we have Easter. I hope that I always remind you of your Heavenly Father. 

   I'm thankful for mommy moments such as this. I'm overjoyed that I have you in my arms this Easter. Your first Easter of hopefully very many. Happy Easter my little one. Mommy loves you.

xx

20 Facts About Myself

   Alright, here are 20 random facts about myself. 

1. My name is Hannah LeeAnn, but my mom called me Hannah LeeAnna growing up, thus my IG name, and snapchat name, and Twitter name, etc.

2. I just turned 21, but a lot of people think I look younger than I am. I got that baby face going on.

   This was the night of my 21st with some of my friends, the first night I felt really dressed up and pretty since having Ryder!

  

3. I've changed my major about five times, I've been a psych major, elementary education major, general studies major, nursing major, and now I'm back to psych.

4. I hate school, absolutely hate it. I don't think everyone should have to go to college to get a good job, too many people are going to college. 

5. I always knew I wanted to be a momma, ever since I was little. I would breastfeed my baby dolls as a little kid.

6. I want a big family, like five or six kids, and I adore being pregnant. I felt like a goddess when I was pregnant with Ryder. I cannot wait to have a big pregnant belly again!

7. I am the oldest of six kids, I have four sisters and one brother.

8. My first year of college was spent in Nashville, TN. I missed my home very much though, and I don't think I'll ever live too far away from my family again.

9. I went to a private, Christian school kindergarten to graduation. I left for two years in middle school, but went back. So I graduated with people that I went to kindergarten with.

10. I love coffee a lot, which is why I became a barista at Starbucks. I've been with the company almost three years now.

11. My first job was at Chickfila. I worked there for about seven months, and I hated it. I love eating there now though.

12. I can do the backwards worm, at least I could before I was pregnant, I haven't really tried doing it since I've had a baby! 

13. My favorite color is grey, I love grey because it goes with everything, but I love blue colors as well. My walls in my room are a super light grey/blue!

14. I love baby wearing, and I have six slings, and I use them all! They are all ring slings, but I'd love to add a different kind of carrier eventually.

15. I plan on breastfeeding Ryder till he is a year old, although I wouldn't mind doing it for a little longer. 

16. I cosleep with my baby, which isn't for everyone, but perfect for Ryder and myself. He has only slept in his crib twice in his life.

17. I love Coldplay, We the Kings, All American Rejects, Mumford and Sons, the Avett Brothers, The Civil Wars, and those are just the first few bands off the top of my head.

18. I am a single mother, and dating hasn't even really crossed my mind much. I've had a guy or two wanna talk, but I have so much on my mind right now. I'm also very picky and believe that I should not settle, for my sake and Ryder's sake!

19. I love the water, I'm so happy I live five minutes from the beach. I hope Ryder will grow up with a love of water as well. 

20. I have a blanket obsession. I have about fifteen or so, and Ryder shares my obsession because he has about twenty or so. I make blankets and I buy blankets. That feeling when you open a brand new blanket and it is just so soft, it is seriously one of the most simple joys in life!

   This was not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm sure my friends and family knew a lot of these already. I know everyone has been doing this on Instagram, but I figured my blog could use a little action. 

   I hope you enjoyed getting to know a little more about me!(:

xx

Easter Basket

   Easter is in just a week! I have been busy with a birthday and being a momma, so I haven't had time to write lately. I have a few posts in mind to write down and share, so hopefully I will get a few posts out these next few weeks.

   I wanted to just share my littles Easter basket! Maybe give you some last minute ideas, or future gift ideas.

   Ryder has lots of fox clothing from Carters, so I found the blanket that goes with it all. I got three board books, two Dr. Seuss, and one Biscuit the Puppy book. Two wooden toys from Bannor Toys, a wooden car and a wooden bunny teether. I also got a JellyCat bunny which has Ryder's initials on the ear!

   I'm super excited for Ryder to open his basket. The wooden toys have his name on them, and I also got some swim trunks for him. I got some dark chocolate to put on the eggs, but those are for me! 

  I love putting books in the basket, as well as toys. The blankets came from JC Penneys, books from Toys R Us, wooden toys from Bannor Toys (@bannortoys on ig), the monogrammed Jellycat bunny from Peekawho (@peekawhoo on ig)! The swim trunks and the basket are both from Target. 

   I got Ryder's Easter morning outfit from JC Penneys, and his lounge outfit from Target. He will be using his mint cross Wren and Rumor blanket (@wrenandrumor on ig) and he has dollar bunny ears from Target as well.

   I'm super excited for Easter because Ryder is old enough to get excited for things! There will definitely be pictures on my Instagram on Easter, and I might try to do a recap post afterwards! 

  I will be writing a birthday post soon, and some other things. If you have any suggestions, or things you'd like to hear my thoughts on, feel free to get ahold of me, whether email or social media. I hope everyone has an amazing Easter, I'm sure Ryder and I will!

xx

No Longer a Secret

   I'm so excited for Easter. Easter is the time of year that calls for a new dress, and last year was no different.. except for the fact that I was pregnant. I had just found out I was pregnant this time last year. As I was trying on dresses, I was wondering what I'd look like with a big, pregnant belly. I had no idea I wouldn't even show till my third trimester. I had no idea whether I was having a boy or a girl, and only a handful of people knew I was even pregnant.

   I was already thinking of names, and I was trying not to worry or stress out too much. I was only about seven or eight weeks along. I wanted to see a doctor so badly so that I knew everything would be alright. I had no idea I'd be holding a perfectly healthy four month old a year later. I was more tired than usual, and I had no idea that growing a baby that was about the size of a speck was so tiring. 

   I finally found a beautiful cream dress, but the same night I bought it, someone stole it. I was so angry, and I was being so dramatic because I was so sad. I knew I would never find a dress as pretty, and I felt like I had thrown money down the drain. Then the next day I got a call, and as pregnancy brain would have it, I had left it in the Victoria's Secret changing room. 

   So I had a beautiful dress and a wonderful secret last year. Not everyone knew I was pregnant and all I could think about was how excited I was to make an Easter basket this year. I was thinking about how the Easter bunny would visit a baby the next year. I was wondering what kind of basket I would use, and what I would put in it. I would have to get a stuffed bunny whether I was having a boy or a girl. I'd get to buy an Easter outfit for a baby, and not just myself. I was so excited for right now.

   I have not been disappointed either. Easter is a little less than a month away, and I have Ryder's Easter basket almost ready. I'm just waiting on a few things to arrive in the mail. Once those arrive, I'll be able to put his basket together. Then on Easter morning, the Easter bunny will put his basket out for him to find. I have a little outfit for Sunday morning, and I have a lounge Easter outfit for him as well. 

   Christmas was fun, but Ryder was so little that he didn't really understand the excitement. He was still so new. Next Christmas will be a lot of fun (and so different)! Ryder might be walking by then, which is so hard to even imagine! So I feel like this is Ryder's first real holiday.

   Easter is going to be so cool. Ryder is grabbing at toys, and gets excited about things now. I got him some more wooden toys, a romper, a bunny, and books. I might have added some dark chocolate as well (for me, of course!). It will be awesome to see Ryder smile as I show him his toys on Easter morning. 

   It is becoming harder and harder to imagine I grew this little babe of mine. That a year ago, Easter was approaching, and this beautiful baby boy was only a secret. I look at Ryder, and I see a miracle. The miracle of life. I see a baby that spent nine months growing inside of me. I've been thanking God so much for placing Ryder in my life. This time last year, I was feeling so many emotions. Now looking back, I can see that God knew exactly what He was doing. 

xx

No Place I'd Rather Be

   My last few posts have not been very happy posts, so I think it is time for a good post. I've cut out coffee, well caffeine. I've been drinking fully decaf coffees and a little bit of sweet tea. I've been trying to drink more water. I started out the year really well, I was drinking almost a gallon a day. That was one of my resolutions, so I am making that resolution again. 

   The cool thing about resolutions is that you can start one at anytime. I am drinking more water again, and I feel immensely better. You can blame it on positive thinking if you'd like, but since I decided to give up caffeine and drink more water a few days ago, I've been happier. The weather is still cool and dreary, but my mood is not. 

   If you have any resolutions that you've drifted away from, maybe now is the time to make them again. Maybe it is time to change your resolutions or make new ones. 

   Another resolution I'm adding is that I've decided to put my phone down when my baby needs me. I've decided to hold and cherish my baby because he is the best thing to ever happen to me. There are babies out there who don't get loved on, and I don't want Ryder to ever feel like that.

   I am his mother. If Ryder needs me, I will be there. I will not let my baby cry, not because I'm spoiling him, but because he is a baby who needs his mother. When babies cry, something is wrong. That is how they communicate. When my baby needs his mother, he will have her because I know that is what is best for my child.

   I shower my baby in love, because how can I not? When I see this baby of mine smiling, it makes me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. When I see my baby sleeping, that peaceful look just melts me. I will do anything to keep my baby safe. I am his protector. I want him to never be fearful of going to sleep. 

   I'll be cleaning or doing something, and I'll look over at Ryder and he will be watching me. He just watches me, and as a four month old, I know he already admires me and looks up to me. I am responsible for this beautiful, sweet child. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to be the best mother I can be. 

   So my resolutions are to drink more water, and love my baby more. A little less than what I started the year with, but two things I can put all my energy into. They shouldn't be too hard, especially the second one since my heart literally overflows with love for my son.

There's no place I'd rather be.

xx

Shake It Off

   You ever have that feeling of dread you just can't shake? 

   Today I just have a cloud of dread following me around. I'm not sad or in a bad mood or anything, but I can't shake the dread I feel right now. I am off today, so I don't have to go to work today. I still keep checking the time to see if I need to get ready for work though. I keep having to remind myself I am off today.

   I've written about having to work before, and I will probably talk about it again in the future as well. I don't want to be a working mom, but sometimes you have to do what is best for you and your child. What is best for my child right now is working.

   Since I've gone back to work, I've realized a few things. I'm going to have to really go back to work. I've been working shorter hours, which isn't gonna fly if I want to be a responsible adult. I'm going to have to start working more, which is so ominous in my life right now. The few short hours I work is already hard enough. 

   I've also realized that being a single mother is hard. It is going to be hard. I will always have this pull. The want to provide for my child and the want to spend time with my child. This is only going to become harder for me the older he gets.

   My one wish is to be a stay at home momma. The one thing I've ever really been so sure about is that fact. The fact that I want to be a stay at home mother. It is really hard that the one thing I want more than anything is the one thing that I really can't do right now. 

  Every day I think about when I need to work next. Even on my days off, I think about when I am going to have to work again. I struggle to put my baby down, because I'm gonna have to go to work and leave him for a few hours. I know that, honestly, I'm not missing too much, especially not now. I know that it isn't a big deal, but it is to me.

   I hope that one day I will get my wish. I pray that circumstances will play out so that I will have the opportunity to one day be a stay at home mom and take care of Ryder, and maybe even some more kids. Right now I will hold my child close to me, and try to fight this dread away. Today is my day off and that is all that matters right now. I get to be with my baby all day today. 

   I want to end this by saying that I have so much respect for single mothers. In my mind I don't consider myself a single mother. I just don't like those words together. They don't belong together. I guess I'm in a sort of denial, but I am a single mother. I understand how hard it is to be a single mother. It makes me sad that there are other single mothers out there, but I hope that we can lift each other up and encourage one another. 

   If you know a single mother, tell them they are doing a good job. It is amazing to hear those words from someone, whether a friend or acquaintance. 

   It is our job, my job, to be an encouragement to one another. Oh, and that dread, shake it off. 

xx

Here We Are Now

   You were restless last night my little one. I'm not quite sure why, but i do know neither of us got much sleep. After the sun came up, I was hoping we could sleep in after such a restless night, but then I heard you coo. You've started making noise and "talking." I thought maybe you were dreaming, but then you gently coo some more. I turn over to look at you and the biggest smile appears.

   I didn't think you'd be such a happy baby after a sleepless night, but you never cease to surprise me. I lay next to you and watch you smile at me as if to say good morning. I have never been a morning person, but I don't find it hard to get up as much anymore. You've given my life meaning. You've given me a reason to wake up in the morning. 

   These first few months have been a learning experience. You are my first child, and you teach me something new every day. It is amazing how much you have changed me. You've taught me to be patient, kind, and tough.

   I've never been an unbearable impatient person, but I've had my moments. You've taught me that things will happen when they happen. I can't just get up and go anywhere anymore. It is a process. I usually make sure you are ready first, and then I start getting ready. I usually have to feed you once while I'm getting ready. I have to make sure the diaper bag is ready to go, and hopefully you haven't spit up or pooped out during this time. 

   I am more patient with time as well. I love the now. I cherish the time I have with you while you are four months old. I miss the newborn days, but I'm not gonna spend my time wishing for those days back (hopefully you'll have brothers and sisters and I'll experience those days again.) I'm also so excited for you to start laughing, and I am excited to watch you grow. I don't want to rush things though. Now you are four months old. Now you are smiling, and sleeping, and wanting me to hold you close. I am content with the now.

   Kindness makes such a difference. I try to be kind to everyone I meet now. I've had difficult days, but I remember that fellow mom that gave me that encouraging smile. Those people who told me I was doing a great job right when I needed to hear it. We all have our hard days. That little bit of kindness could give someone the strength to keep going. 

   I've been so blessed by the kindness of others. I don't think I realized how kind people could be until you were born. Having you on my own was not an easy nor ideal task, but I'm not really alone. I have an amazing family who have changed their lives to help you and me. I have friends who love you as well. I want to pass that kindness on. People have been so kind to us, how could I not pass it on.

   I would never have considered myself tough, until you came along. Having a little, innocent baby has made me a momma bear, and no one messes with my baby. I've learned to say, "no." I have realized I can't please everyone, and I don't try to anymore. Ryder, you are my top priority now. I have to take care of you, and make sure you are happy. I'm thankful you have taught me to stand up for you and for myself.

  I hope I can teach you these attributes as you grow. Every day is a new day for us. Our days now consist of holding you close, breastfeeding, smiling, changing diapers, and wearing you. I love our days now. 

   Little baby of mine, as you drift to sleep in my arms, I go through the days. I'm ready to go to bed, but when I go to lay you down, you start suckling again. I don't mind though. I love holding you close to me more than anything. I know you won't always fall asleep while I hold you. 

This is my life now.

This is motherhood.

This is all I've ever wanted.

xx