Monday, October 27, 2014

#ManCrushMonday

   I am going to try to start posting on Mondays when it comes to my little man. It seems appropriate considering  the oh so popular hashtag. #mcm. I am so in love.



 I feel like I am going to sporadically post at first, after all, I am a new momma. 

   I adore being a mommy. I plan on writing about how the birth went in another post, but I want to talk about last night for this post.



 I brought Ryder home around five in the afternoon yesterday. I was nervous to be home, but I knew that home is where we need to be to be able to really recover and for our lives together to start. 

   All I could think about when I got home was how I have this little human now. This little boy, that I carried in my tummy for nine months, is mine. I am responsible for this baby. I am the one who has to love, nurture, protect, teach, and take care of this little baby. 




   Ryder was eating really well when we first got home, and he was sleeping well. It seemed like when I decided to go get in my bed for the first time, things just started messing up. I was so tired, and it was the first night of me doing this by myself. I couldn't remember to write down when he was eating. I couldn't get him to stop crying unless I was holding him. Last night seems like such a blur because I was so tired, and I could not remember when he had started or stopped eating. It just was such a difficult night for me. 

   I honestly did not think about how difficult it would be. My mom woke up and came in to help me early this morning and I just could not stop crying. I just felt like such a bad mom. I felt like I had been doing so well, and then I was supposed to do it on my own and it is like everything was just wrong. All I could think about was how my baby was not going to be okay. 

   Now when I look back on last night, I had Ryder alone for only about four hours. It was not that long. I fed Ryder enough, and he was safe, warm, full, and with his mommy. (These hormones are no joke.) These first few days are going to be really hard, but I know that if I push through these days, I will be just fine. I really am so so blessed. 

   There is no way I could do this without my family. My mom and dad both came in this morning and held Ryder and watched him long enough for me to get a little bit of sleep. My sister watched him this morning after I fed him and got him settled down. That allowed me another hour and a half of much needed sleep. 

   After waking up, and getting ready to take Ryder to the doctor to get a check, all I could think about was a certain quote. “Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  This is a quote by Elizabeth Stone.
  I think this is the first quote I have ever heard that is so applicable and true. Right now, holding my little boy, I am looking at my heart. When someone is holding Ryder, they are holding my heart. This baby is a part of me. 

   It is insane, this feeling of being a mommy. I pray that I will be the best mom that I can be for Ryder. I know I wont be the most perfect mom, I'm gonna mess up, I am gonna forget to write down which breast Ryder ate at last. I am gonna forget to write down when I changed his diaper sometimes. I am also going to love this little boy more than anything in this world. 

   I'm so happy my baby is now safe and in my arms. I am one blessed momma.
I have just started one of the greatest adventures of my life.





xx

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